I'm not sure what is available to you in the US(?) so I can't give any input on that. Sorry!

What would you argue? writing is a useful medium and it can assist with getting your thoughts and emotions out - express them. If you find it useful, even in the slightest sense, keep at it!

If you don't mind me asking, what are your expectations regarding help? what do you expect others to be able to do? they certainly can't do all the work for you because you do have to meet them part-way. It sounds as though you're in a very lonely space right now and you feel unsupported. Those feelings of despair are okay. Whatever you feel is valid and deserves expression, so don't try to bottle it down. Really allow yourself to get it all out...whether it's through crying...beating up a pillow... writing...etc. Let it out. I'm sure you do care because you are questioning your state of being (your pain) and wish it all to stop(?). However, in wanting it all to stop you're kind of resisting it and trying to push it away. You perceive the pain, but are struggling against the pain - avoid it. To put it simply, whatever you resist persists. So, see if you can try to shift (it will be hard at first) your attitude towards what you're experiencing and instead affirm that what you're feeling is welcome (e.g. 'this feeling of despair is very welcome here'). See if you can pinpoint where you're feeling it (the pain) in your body and accept it. You're hurting deeply and what you feel/experience is very valid. I know it's tough not to be hard on yourself, but do try to take it easy!