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darkpurplesecrets · May 05, 2012, 01:17 AM

((((TD))))

Thank you for caring and for your support. Yes, it is coming up to another anniversary and I can feel not only myself but some within feeling a lot of fear and anxiety. It seems that anniversaries are always popping up somewhere and even though I am not aware of everything yet, those within that hold those memories know.

I know that with surgery coming up and being postponed makes it hard too. Many within are terrified of surgery and even though they are getting better at going through it, there is always that fear of what is taking or going to take place, will we die, are they putting something inside us. We had an EMG a week or so ago and it triggered many within and myself more than I realized it would. My doctor asked if I had been shocked during abuse, it could not be hidden.

Right now I do not feel strong at all as I feel small a lot. Though sleep is sporadic, dreams are constant and filled with terror as memories are flooding me right now making it hard to stay in the moment or present. Sometimes I feel I want to slip into those walls as they seem to close around me. I feel myself at times screaming that silent scream but no one can hear me.

I know that we share a lot of similar things and I am sorry that you also went through so much. Each day it feels as though I am trying to walk through quicksand, at times it feels I am sinking one step more and will not make it. Those within are behind a wall and right now I cannot seem to get to those that help me nor can I hear them except for the muffled cries and that feeling of terror that seems to engulf us all.

TD, just knowing you are here and listening means more than you could know. Having others who understand what we are saying and hear us makes a difference and gives us hope to push on and that we are not alone. When I started this journey I had no idea what was within myself or that there were others. I had no idea what they held or the importance they held in our life.

Even knowing that there are those within programmed and trained to stop us from getting help or knowing the truth, to hurt me and those within, and to push the lies we were brainwashed to believe, I know that somehow I have to keep pushing and facing the truths that for so long were blocked out and hidden. I realize that those parts were also really abused and used and they are doing what they were set up to do.

Each step I find a little more of myself but the deeper I go the more pain, terror, and memories grasp hold and at times make it harder to hold onto that small hope that seemed to once be there. It feels that candle of hope is burning out but yet I am trying hard to grasp hold of it and not let it. Tears seem to fall at any given moment then disappear just as fast. Writing is getting harder and seems to disappear at times.

Yes, I do get what you are saying about being strong, and yes sometimes I want to shout "shut up, you have no idea," but you are right that somewhere we are strong or we would not be here now. But even saying that there are times that strong does not seem strong enough, yet we hang on and keep pushing the best we can. I know that no one can do this for me, but knowing that others can have an understanding and that we are not alone means more than anyone knows.

dps