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Hey guys,
I haven't been doing too good lately. I saw Psych end of April and he has stated that I am mildly- moderately depressed. My CPN confirmed it. However they are not giving me any AD's as they may send me into sheer mania which wouldn't be good. I have to go and see my CPN in 2 weeks time rather than in a month as I have been showing signs of danger etc.
I have been feeling suicidal and have had thoughts of "not being here". I have crossed roads unsafely too. I feel unsafe when I am outside. So I have mainly stayed in the house unless I have to go out. Even then I am a bit reluctant to go out.
I have also been hurting myself to the point where I think I have managed to get a bump on my head. I have been getting sever headaches and right behind my eyes. Helps when you have to wear glasses huh!
Been stayed off the computer and I am very rarely on here. I use my phone mainly now. Today I am still in bed and it's 3:22pm. I stayed in bed till 3:30pm on Wednesday and missed the yoga class I was meant to be going to. I texted my SW and said I was missing it today. She called me and I lied and said everything was ok. I just didn't feel up to going. When in fact I was dying inside.
I have managed and I do not know how but I have managed to mask it all from my family. They are all so happy. Late March we found out my Brother and her Girlfriend are expecting a baby in September. Then my Twin Sister moved out of the family home in with her Boyfriend mid April and then we found out again in mid April that my Brother proposed to his Girlfriend and they are set to marry in the near future. I am so happy for them all. I feel left behind though. I feel my life has no purpose. I am just existing and that is it. Every time I think I should tell my folks I am depressed I ignore that feeling and just go back to being me again..... the faker.
My Mum has said my depression is sheer self-fishness!! That hurt as she has never seen me depressed as I hide it all from her. She doesn't know how low I can be. The suicidal thoughts and notions, the self harming. The feeling life would be better without me here.
I spoke to my CPN about this. He has said he has seen me MUCH worse depression wise and said I can get through this. I guess I can.... I just can't see it yet.
I have been looking up funeral hymns and which ones I would like to be played at my funeral. I hate weepy hymns so they are up beat hymns.
My SW's all know about how I have been feeling. They ahve been really good in helping me out. They take the time to talk to me which I am forever grateful. 1 of them texts me she really is so nice to me. I don't deserve it.
I told 2 of my friends that I have been suicidal etc that was on Monday. Tthey haven't spoken to me since. I feel so hurt. What have I done wrong? 1 of them was away from Wed- Fri on a romantic break so I knew I wouldn't get a text from her. But I am still hurt. Am I too sensitive?
I wish someone could understand me. I feel like a complete alien. I do not belong on planet Earth.
I can't stop hurting myself. I have been stepping up the notch on how hard I hurt myself. I don't cut or anythign like that as known my luck I would hit a major artery and die or something. I hit myself, bang my head, push sharp things into my hands and fingers. I hurt myself to the point I leave marks but the marks disappear after a few hours. But I think my head banging is screwing up with my eye sight? Luckily I am due for an eye test this month.
With my SW's I can do a crisis plan. I haven't done one as I have always been ok ish. But I am now thinking I might need one? I don't want my parents to be involved but at the same time I dont have family I would trust???? My family is small. I know my parents would be hurt if they were last to find things out etc.
Everytime I go to see my CPN/Psych my Mum always ask's how it went. I always say "fine" she ask's do they feel I am doing good? I always say "yes". I don't feel I can tell my Mum what they think. I don't know why. My Mum is a sound person. I am the one that is weird.
My life is just dumb. I wish I could communicate properly with people in my life but I am such an idiot that I can't. My SW's and CPN keep telling me I am very intelligent, articulate, animated when talking but I feel like a retard.
Wish I could just go away now!
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