Thank you all for your welcome. My therapist has started talking about the actual abuse, rather than just about bpd (I have bpd) or other issues like my self-harm. But I don't really want to go there. It's safer locked up and pushed away as far away as possible. I get triggered so badly after each session I wonder if its worth continuing. I know it is, as it will help me but things are so difficult at the moment.