Hi,
I was drawn to your post because I too make lists of things that I don't like about myself and my life. I have found a way to make these lists helpful instead of harmful and I wanted to share it with you. First of all, in my opinion, identifying the aspects of your life that you are unhappy with is actually a good thing. You have made a thorough, detailed list and my advice for your next step would be to go through that list and figure out which issues can be easily solved, which issues might be a little more difficult to deal with, and which issues are having a bigger effect on your wellbeing and, therefore, should be prioritized. After reading through your list, I recognized a few recurrent themes. First of all, it seems like you are dealing with some health issues. I can relate to that. Last year, at the height of my depression, I felt as though my body was falling apart. I was constantly ill, my weight fluctuated drastically, and I felt like I could never catch up. I know that when I finally got my health back on track, it really helped me to focus on my everyday life. My advice to you would be to focus on your insomnia. I am not sure whether or not you have met with a physician regarding this condition but I know many people who take Melatonin supplements to help regulate their sleep cycle. I also discovered a herbal supplement from Whole Foods called "Sleep and Relax". It's made by Gaia and is a wonderful natural alternative to sleeping pills. It helps me fall asleep on nights when I am too anxious to go to bed. Unfortunately, it is quite pricey so you might want to try the Melatonin first (which is typically much less expensive). You'll have to let me know if you try either of these remedies and whether or not they work for you! I do not have a medical degree, but I truly think that if you start getting a good nights sleep, your health issues will decrease. My second suggestion would be to look for an exercise program. This is something that has helped improve many aspects of my
life and I have a feeling it might do the same for you! Getting in shape has improved my self esteem and my physical health. Furthermore, I have met many nice people at the exercise class I attend two to four nights a week and I ALWAYS fall right asleep after a rigorous workout and a long shower. You said that you are not close with any of your family members and have friends, but don't feel like you can really talk to them. I am not sure what your family situation is like, so I will not try to advise you regarding it. However, as far as strengthening the bonds with your friends goes, I suggest that you try to open up to one of your friends. I too feel like, even though I know many people, there's not one person I can really open up to. However, just the other day, I was very stressed and I spilled my feelings to a girl I have known for quite a while but never really considered a close friend and she was so sweet and super helpful! As a result, I feel much closer to her and even have plans to get lunch with her next week. You also mentioned that the bad weather was affecting your mood. My first year of college, I lived in a city where it rained more than it didn't. I quickly became annoyed with the weather and it definitely brought my mood down. My advice for dealing with the weather would be to find ways to enjoy rainy days. Target has super cute (and inexpensive!) rain boots in bright colors and patterns. You could also invite a few of your friends (even if you're not super close with them) over on a rainy weekend, rent a fun movie, and have everyone bring a dish or snack for a potluck meal. I am not sure whether my advice will be of any help to you, and I also hope that it didn't come off sounding like a lecture or criticism (I hope you know that was not my intention!). What I am about to say might sound like a lecture, but I want you to know that, while you are fully capable of pushing through this and coming out stronger on the other end, you truly have a lot on your plate and you have every right to be upset. It always annoys me when others downplay my issues, so I just wanted to remind you that your issues DO matter. I hope I was able to help, even if just a little bit!

- E