with a lot of hard work and the support of close friends. by finally realizing my anorexia was partly a way of punishing myself and partly coz my life was so out of control, i felt what went into my body was the only thing i could control. by finally believing friends who told me it's what's on the inside that counts and to stop freaking out about what i looked like outside. but finally being able to realize food is not an enemy that controls me, i can control it ... but to a sensible level. and the realization that if i didn't fight this, i'd eventually die from it. so i had to decide, what did i care more about ... living or slowly killing myself.

i started out with things with minimal calories until i could tolerate the thought of eating. like my doctor pointed out i used to love satsumas and they're full of vit c and fibre, and she gave other similar examples whereby you could eat all you could stomach and still not reach your medically advised calorie count. fresh fruit, fresh veg, undressed salad. ok, so i still only eat undressed salad lol but i remind myself, at least i ate it, it's an achievement. it took many years and lots of support but i finally got there.