i have nothing. no one. i can't feel anything but pain and regret. even my body can't take it anymore. for the last 2 days i've been feeling feverish and everything hurts. i can't stop crying.
this turned out to be worse than i thought. yesterday i tried to tell my aunt about everything. my visit to a psychiatrist who gave me an "initial" diagnosis. that was over a week ago i never went back. when i mentioned i could have a mental illness she was like don't say that. and she kept telling me that i wouldn't feel this way if i'm closer to God if i pray more which infuriates me because she doesn't understand. other people are not very likely to understand either. i always thought that when i finally get help it will be a time of clarity. i'd understand why i did the things i did and have something better to say to apologize to the people i've hurt. that was what kept me going. that someday people will understand & forgive me when they know how sorry i am and how i never mean to hurt anyone. now its pretty clear thats not gonna happen. i don't have any energy to keep trying. it feels over.
i wanted to let someone know how i feel but no body in my life cares anyway. and i don't really expect you to either.