(I miss you guys! Wish I had more time online at a real computer on the real keyboard instead of my phone.)

Too much to think about. I go to work. I hate it. I leave and think too much. That pretty much sums up my life. There is no end to having things to do or think about. Bills, public aid, taxes--yes TAXES still not done, never late before. Never heard back on the issue from last year in which they claimed I never paid them, despite faxing them copies of my bank statement and a payment confirmation number.

I have only the best of the worst coping habits. They work. A "bad" thing can feel good--or great! I often wish that I could do it all the time. I'll wish to not work and have unlimited supply of anything I want or need. No cares. All bills paid. Whatever I want.

My blood sugar is high--but I know that I am not diabetic. I have been told by my T that the pdoc thinks that I have an ED. He also evidently said something about trying to find some sort of housing for me. Yeah nice--but I don't need the the type again that watches everything you do, nor the kind where you have to go to a clinic/Nurse's office to get meds because you aren't allowed to hold them yourself. That would drive me freaking nuts! I will seriously have MORE stress. Hate to see what he might be able to come up with. When I saw him, pdoc said I should have the med for my heart increased but I am cautious of that. One of these days something is going to happen.

I saw my pdoc last Friday. He again, same as last appointment, said it looked like I had lost weight and asked me. I honestly didn't know what my weight was going in there, but I did know what it was a few weeks before. I was afraid to admit that since I just *knew* my weight was higher, so I/we just settled on the 120's(?). I weighed myself the next day. It was even better than I'd expected and I felt really good about it--not a good sign, I suppose, considering T/pdoc would likely have very different opinions from my own.

These things I do *work* for my stress. They in turn do actually cause some stress, I admit. But habits are hard to break. I admitted to pdoc in a voice mail after leaving the office that I owed him more information on eating/weight-related issues. I also said the word cutting--not the play-around way I usually do by saying "playing with sharp objects". People don't really or always catch on that way. In January this year he first asked me if I'd lost weight from the time before. I later left him a voice mail mentioning a few details about my eating habits. He never mentioned it. I imagine that with my few voice mails to him and it being obvious that I have lost weight, that he's catching on.