New to DID. My alters are starting to come out of hiding and communicate with me. There is a "Mother Hen" who is the protector. There is "LB" and she is the sexual one. They've let me know that I was sexually abused as a little girl. "LB" is the one who took over during the abuse and that's why she is so sexual. ("LB" is the internet video porn star that led me to the discovery that I have DID.) Recently, I had a flashback during sex and switched into another alter "Little Girl", but I was co-concious. She was extremely frightened and started yelling to please stop. She began kicking, hitting and pushing him off. She was fighting. "Mother Hen" showed up and told everyone that it was going to be OK and I switched back to just me. I'm not freaked out at all by this episode. Instead, I feel huge relief. I finally know what has been tormenting me my whole life. Now I know and understand the reason for promiscuity in my teens (for which I've carried around a lot of guilt and shame over) and the reason for LB's sexual acting out and getting involved with pornography.

From my original post:

"My ex-husband (we're trying to reconcile) is so angry that I have no shame or guilt about these videos (they happened while married). He thinks I should be begging him for forgiveness and confessing everything. Instead, I am saying that I don't remember anything and find myself faking a tearful apology. I look at the video and I know it's me, but I don't have even the slightest or foggiest memory of it. It's like watching a stranger and I don't even feel like it's me. I feel no emotion when I watch the videos."

So, here's my question. Am I such a horrible person for not feeling guilt and remorse? Horror and disgust? I fully understand that technically it was "Me" in those videos. But "Me" was completely unaware of what "LB" was up to. I can't undo what's happened. I know "LB" is there now and my responsibility now is that "LB" gets help to heal and realize that she doesn't need to act out in this way. I'm angry with him for thinking I need to beg for forgiveness. I'm angry that he can't put aside his feelings to say something like "I feel very hurt and betrayed right now. But I love you and care for you. I'm so sorry that these things happened to you. I'm going to be here to support you as you go through this and we'll get through this together." How can I take responsibilty for my alters coming out and doing things that they shouldn't if I'm completely unaware of it? Right now, I have very little control over any of this. Even as we become co-concious, will I ever have full control over them? How do I handle the damage control?