Alright, I am trying to be patient and I guess I'm not doing a terrible job for now...but yeah I have a friend I can talk to about some of this, so I guess even though I'm not going to therapy that's better than nothing and it helps some.

But yeah that is sort of what I ended up doing I couldn't supress it so I ended up having to just let it out till I had exausted myself...but yeah its just frusterating to me because I was going to try and get a job for some income in which case I won't have time to be exausted for a couple days...so i feel like I may have to put that on hold untill I get some sort of help with this which I have plans to look into but its just frusterating because i have no income and college debt to pay...so the cycle seems to continue

As for the negative lost empty feelings, I see what you mean...and I don't want to feed into it and it disturbs me because it seems like it would be easy to feed into it and be consumed by it when it hits. I mean like i almost want to..its kind of a 'well I already feel dead inside so why not' kind of feeling not good at all. But yeah another thing that makes it hard is things on this side of reality aren't going so well either....so it makes it hard to try holding on to when I'm on the verge of losing it. If that makes sense but yeah this is part of why I posted this because I sometimes feel like I need something to pull me back before its too late.....like if I just sit here and let it all go on inside without expressing anything that is when I feel myself seeming to just feel more and more isolated and further away. So yeah thanks for the advice.