We understand and care, NikiLLL.
I also relate to what you say about always feeling that when you finally get help it would be in a time of clarity. When I'm hypo, I don't think I need help, when depressed, I don't think I'm worth it, because things will "never" change. I hear that feeling reflected when you say, "Now it's pretty clear that's never going to happen." Things can seem so clear and logical when the voice of depression is talking, but it lies. It could happen, it just doesn't feel possible right now. That's the voice of depression, alright. It doesn't believe in good "coulds" and positive possibilities. But they are still there, the depression just won't let you see them.
Hope you are able to get useful help (oh, the "if you just" response is sooo frustrating, isn't it?!) and feel better soon. Lots of . Keep us posted ok? That is why we're all here. To listen and understand, especially when it seems no one does in real life. Like Trippin' says, remember that we are real people behind our avatars. So, we are in real life, just not close by in proximity of geography, but close by in proximity of experience.