Went to church today and could not wait for it to be over.... Got no sleep last night this is too much.

I am trying to stay positive, and I just cant get to a point where I feel ok. There is always a lump in my chest, tears ready to fall, words that cant come out right... I am a mess.

I scarifice so much for my siblings now they are all grown and moving on with life and I am stuck. Gave all my user names and passwords, banking info etc to one sister just in case I cant make it back from the low....

I cannot see anything good to come... I will say to myself tmr it will be better.... Yet tmr comes and its just as pissy and the day before... Wishing that I did not ruin so many friendships now I am all alone then again.... I would have lied and faked the funk ... With so call friends... I know how to care for others and cant figure out how to care for me...

It sucks being lonely....

I am so gratful for this site.... I lurk around and read it keeps me in the now.... I take advice given to others that I can identify with and apply it...

Wish I could smoke a cig but it adds to my aniexty... Weed would be nice but I might have another episode.... Ughhhhhhhhhhhh.

Sigh