I typed a response the other day and read it. It sounded so awful I couldn't post it. I realize my pain is talking and not me. I just need to get control over it. Some moments are ok and others aren't. I am lonely with it because it rises to such heights that I don't expect anyone would ever talk to me again if they knew what my insides were like. I guess as far as help, I just want someone to help me not feel so bad about myself. I need help rationalizing and acepting the things I have done. I need help accepting myself and quit punishing myself. Somehow I think if I hurt deep enough, long enough, and suffer that it will make things ok again. I don't know anymore.
The good thing is my mom was very smart and I can imagine things she would say to me. She would say: What's done is done. It is what it is. Move forward.
But I know the problem with me is at my core. The person, the real me is not a nice, sincere, honest, kind, loving person. She is selfish and hateful. And the person I hate the most is myself. I have improved from a long time ago. I don't intentionally hurt myself anymore, but it is just there, like a bomb and I don't know when it is going to go off.