A lot of the threads have been about ruptures with our Ts. I'm so sad that there are SO many of us going through these ruptures with our Ts. I haven't posted much as I am going through another rupture with T and it is hurting me so much that I can't even sleep much. I don't think I've seen a thread that is similar to the rupture I'm currently going through with my T. Any input would be great. What I really would like to know is what would you guys do? Or what do you all think of this situation?

Ok, when I first saw T (which was Dec 2010), she went over what the "limitation of confidentiality" were with me. She said that the one way she would share what I tell her with someone else was if I threaten to kill/hurt someone or was going to harm myself. She said she would have to notify the police. The only exception for the initial assessment was that the neurologist would just read what is shared initially then he would shred it. I'm seeing a neurologist because I get really bad headaches. So I started therapy with the mindset that I had someplace safe to talk about what was in my heart. I slowly let T in. My walls kept coming down and then "transference" happened.

I was having such a hard time grieving Dad this past Fall/Winter. I was SO ready to go into great detail with how it was to witness what happened to Dad and then something horrible happened at the end of November. When I saw my OT, out of the blue, she pulled up my T's notes and started reading an entry T had made from a session because she asked how my appointment went with T and I didn't feel like sharing. I was SO shocked to find out that OT could see and read what I have told T. I was SO hurt from that. A place that I thought was SO safe was not safe at all. What a fool I've been. I couldn't bring what happened up with T until session on Friday because I didn't want to deal with it and I feel like I'm punishing T for something that she didn't purposely do. I tried to avoid the hurt and it backfired on me and got worse.

Therapy this year as been tough. Since the moment I knew that whoever I saw would know what I'm disclosing to T, I started "filtering" what I tell T. What I mean by this is I just haven't been telling her things with much details at all and I feel I have wasted a lot of time. T recognized that I seemed and appeared "nervous and not able to relax" in the room with her. I used that to open up to her about what happened in November with OT. T then went on to explained to me that the "limitations of confidentiality" had changed back in July 2011 when the clinic switched over to a new software which allowed any provider that sees me to view all the notes from each other. I questioned why I wasn't told this. T acknowledged that she didn't tell me this and apologized. Despite her apology, the hurt still lingers. I feel like my trust in her has been shattered.

How do T and I recover from this? Would we be able to move foward from this? That I just don't know. If I didn't feel a connection to her, I would walk away and not think twice. It's not that easy to walk away now. I've shared SO much with her. I feel SO violated. I would like to work through this hurt with T but I fear getting hurt again.

T said "I would like for my patients to feel that they can share anything with me." Hm.......well that's really hard when I know that other providers can see whatever the heck it is I tell her.

FYI, T is not under any supervision.

I would have never found out about it if my OT didn't open up T's notes and start reading them to me. I wish SO badly that OT would have not done that. Things were just SO much better when I didn't know. I could have just went on believing that there is a person I could go to and pour my heart out and learn how to cope with things, then move on with life. Therapy is hell.

I want to get better. I want to work on my issues that's why I finally brought up what it was that was preventing me from going "deeper" with T. That was my intention of why I finally brought this incident up. I want to stop hurting. I usually run from ruptures or try to make it all better by myself but why does this rupture feel like it will take both parties to work through it? I'm not good at handling conflicts. Maybe something good/useful will come out of this. Maybe I will learn something from it that I can apply it to my RL. Sigh.....

Where do I go from here? I don't want to lose T. Just not yet. There is SO much left to do. Why did this have to happen?