I'm so sorry you are so down. I think maybe telling your friends just scared them because they don't understand. I know that hurts but people that aren't like us who don't have these feelings don't understand that death is so appealing to us at times. I know what you mean. Things would just be so much easier, I always feel like everyone in my life would be better off without me in their lives. I always feel like a loser and like I cant do anything right, I feel like my bp issues have taken complete control over everyone's life that I love and I don't want to be a burden anymore. I have told my husband that I want to die. He doesn't understand but he tries. He just tells me that my kids would never understand even if he could. He is right they wouldn't. He also says that my beliefs in all that I said above are only the way i see things that no one else feels that way about me. I think your family would feel the same way if they knew how to express to you how they feel. If they could understand the way my husband tries to. I never tell anyone else when i have those feelings because I know that they don't understand. They think I am crazy if I feel that way. I had a friend that committed suicide last year and she left a note saying that she had tried so hard for so long but just couldn't get it right. No one understood what she meant except me, but I didn't say so. I totally understood and wished I was strong enough to just do it already. But Im not, not yet. I hope one day these feelings go away. I dont know if they will so I always just remind myself that its my illness. It doesnt mean Im a freak or a bad person, Im just mentally ill and its part of who I am.
I wish your mother were more understanding. Its not selfish to be sick. You cant help it, its not your fault. Hugs to you from someone who does understand. If you ever need to talk you can send me aPM anytime.