Hi guys!

I'm not thinking very structured right now.

I took my teddy bear to see T. She was pleased to meet him.

We talked about how I see myself as a teddy bear but sometimes I can be a bear for real: a fearsome predator. I told her I didn't mean to be as critical and aggressive as she seemed to hear me. But if that's how I look to her (a good and intelligent woman who is doing her best to understand me), how must I seem to the world at large?

I cried when we talked about how T and I still have misunderstandings. Transference is a double-edged sword. I hoped that my good relationship with T would help me with Mum, but of course it cuts both ways. My bad relationship with Mum leaks back onto T. T says there is nothing we can do about it. Transference exists, and that's that.

I said I felt abandoned and panicky whenever I thought about the fact that seeing her twice a week is unsustainable. I saved up some money during her break and I'm spending it now. But sooner rather than later it must come to an end.

She said, and I swear I'm not making this up:

T: As long as we are having good sex now, why worry about the future?
Me: Is that how you've always lived your life?
Frankly, I doubt it.

Me: Come away with me!
T: Where?
Me: Back to my house. You could stay in the spare room.
T: And cook for you?
Me: Um, no. I hadn't actually planned for you to do any cooking.

Strange. I've always seen her primarily as a mother figure, but once I'd imagined her living in my house, the fantasy took a decidedly sexual turn.

It's very easy for me to make her my mother. After all, the position is vacant and it wouldn't affect anyone else. There's no guilt or loyalty issues there.

Deep down, I would like to make her my lover, but I don't allow myself to think like that.