My mind is on a rollercoaster ride right now tryiing to figure things out, and I've been questioning if I may actually have AvPD, but of course one really loud half of my brain is telling me that I'm lying to myself, that nothing is wrong, that I'm just introverted and that's all there is to it, like this part just doesn't want to face any struggle so it jumps to simpler conclusions. So maybe you all can help me, tell me if it sounds like I may have AvPD (I know only a T can determine for certain, so please don't give me that lecture, I just want to know how valid it sounds so I may convince my mind).

So, I've never been good at socializing, and have actually been described as shy, and apparently everyone but myself knew I was introverted far before I even figured it out, and now I test as HIGHLY introverted. Well, I guess it depends on the social situation, like if I'm around others I know (still won't talk much, but I feel more comfortable around them), but in other situations I may freak out, may even start feeling really down, may even start crying. Went to one dance, willingly, in my life, and I sat at the table by myself the entire time, not joining in with everyone elses fun, just feeling terrible and dwelling on the thoughts that I would love to join them but I can't dance and would look like a complete fool out there, and I don't want to be laughed at. Also doing volunteer work, sure I would talk to the person I went with, but I wouldn't easily communicate with anyone else.

Relationships, friendship and romantic, aren't too good either, I even have a scale of who is a friend and who is an acquaintance constantly stuck in my mind, and by that scale I only have 1 friend. Sure I know of a number of people, acquaintances, but I only have 1 friend and find it really difficult to really become friends with other people. In relationships I"m not better, I'm actually worse. If a guy shows interest in me, tries to get to know me better, I might be fine for a short while, but as things start getting more open I back away completely, push them away. I don't know exactly why I do this, I probably fear being rejected in the long run, that what we might enjoy now won't last and he'll leave me, so I push him away first. So, needless to say, I've actually never been in a relationship, because everytime it gets anywhere near one I back away completely. I want better relationships, more relationships. I see the people with more friends, with a boyfriend and I think to myself about how lonesome I feel not being a part of something like that, and it breaks my heart, but what can I do? It's difficult for me to get like that. Trust me, I've tried, it's always been really awkward

I also have these fantasy imagnings (used to have more, but I think my imagination is blocked lol), but I can note every time I've had those idealistic lives in my imagination I would always wish I was them, or more like them. They're more interesting, they have people that want to talk to and hang out with them, they have better relationships despite hardships, so they have support, they're not alone.

I also have this recurring, deep down feeling of just wanting to run away from everyone and everything, go to some place far away where I don't have to worry about anything or anyone, so I could reflect, and regain my energy, to feel better. I just want to escape.

These are just some things I go through, or think about. For the most part I try to keep my mind pretty quiet and mellow, which is easy enough since I stay in my room most of the time, but I do have that deep wish to get out more, to be more outgoing and less shy.

So what do you all think? Any questions?

I know only a T can determine for sure, but I've been to two different T's and each time I started to feel like they thought I was lying or being strange, and that I was wasting their precious time, that others deserved the time slot more than me, so I don't know when or if I'd ever go back, I would need a pretty convincing reason to go again.