....as he held me down and raped me when i was just a LITTLE GIRL....he was my older brother for godsake!!! 4 years older than me and built like a brick **** house...i was only 12...and no matter what i did to resist him amd fight back, none of it made any diffrence!!!!....i was absolutely POWERLESS to stop him and my parents didn't give a **** what was going on either...not til it started causing problems for them, people in authority asking awkward questions they didnt want to answer...i was completely alone with it all...then my mum and brothers discredited me to everyone by saying i was a 'jealous liar' making it all up...i kept telling when i was 13 14 17 19 and 21...nobody listened or even cared!!!!....my life had been systematically destroyed and it didn't MATTER to anyone except me...when i was much older and had had my own kids i even asked my mother why she didnt put a stop to it and she told me i cld have put up with it another year then escaped to university...WTF????.....so i know she knew and i know she didn't care...and still expected me to pass my A levels and then do my degree...obviously i can see now she was off her bloody head too!!! like my deranged brothers....THEY have all gone on to have good lives but mine is in total bloody shreds...i drink too much, smoke far too much pot, rely on meds to keep me frm killing myself or someone else, i am a nervous wreck who lacks the ability to take control of myself and my life and make something of myself before it's too late...so now i am going to have to go back into therapy but my useless bloody GP will not send me back to the NHS mental health unit at the local hospital for more, so i'm going to have to pay for it privately....i myself am on sickness benefit but my partner has offered to pay for it....NEITHER OF US shld have to, it's my family's repsonsibility because it was THEM who did the damage, i feel like sending them the bill for it but it will only get ignored as they have been doing for the last 11 years since my dad died...my dad was the only one who cared...but even then he chose to believe my mum and brothers' lies over my truth until i left home at 17 to escape the abuse...me dropping out of school and uni at the same time...only then did the penny finally drop with him that there was something really wrong...he insisted i went home and after that i was never raped or molested again...but i knew i was not welcome...i confronted my mum aged 20 and she slapped me round the face and told me never to mention it again otherwise i wld be out on my arse and she wldnt let me come back next time...i left home a year later aged 21 and this has been dogging me ever since...i just can't get free of it...the reason for this diatribe is i woke this morning frm a horrible dream in which my brother was abusing me and every time i hit him he just laughed at me and my punches werent even affecting him...nothing i did changed it!!!!....it was always going to happen and it was only going to stop when he was ready...i think my dad must have threatened to kick his head in if he touched me again and my brother WAS abloody coward at the end of the day...and so is ANYONE who abuses a defenceless innocent child as i was...

thanks for reading this, just had to vent,