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Puffyprue · 09:00 AM

So i know my avoidant has ruined every relation that i had because iam cold and i cant expresses my emotion in a right way, well there's nothing i can do to change that right now its past...now i've been trying i really want to get over this , for example :

my best friend he is sick so his been hospitalized a lot , so he cant talk to me as much as before and i feel like every time we talked he dont really want to talk to me ( negative thinking) he always in a rush to go somewhere or he just tired (half of me do know that he is sick and need a lot of rest but i still think that he dont really want to talk to me or every time he talked to me he just being nice ( crazy i know) but last week after me thinking for few hours i wrote an email to him asking about that , i asked if he avoiding me or its just my brain get distorted again and he replied me that he really want to talk to me but he is sick ( i am feeling guilty for being selfish ) but hey iam trying usually i never asked i just assumed and then i will became distant and i will never make any effort to contact him until he contact me first even if i think about him everyday, that the first one.

the second one , few days back when i felt so sad, we were talking and i told him he should get some rest but the ruth is i still want to talk to him but i pretend its okay you can go and smile pretend like its okay and i understand, the truth is i want him to still talk to me and the after 10 min i sent him a message i still want to talk to him if he have nothing to do or not feel tired so we talked

it might look like a simple thing to people but not to me , i didn't do all those thing my fear of rejection make me fully aware even to the sign of rejection so i walk away first every time i think its a sign of rejection
so iam trying and iam still trying

the thing is i need to remember to try