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anderson · May 07, 2012, 09:33 AM

( ( darkpurplesecrets ) ) )

We so understand what those within you are trying to say.

those within us are now in a place that we can go to and deal with our RA/SA/MC.

so much has changed for us and we are taken back our life one day at a time.

hoping those within you can find a way to find safety too!

learning to feel safe with those that have hurt us so close to us is so hard.

listening and caring to all those within you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

I have not posted out on the forums much for a while now as I have been so afraid that it is not safe. But I wanted to reach out and try. Things are getting worse again and I am finding myself feeling so far away, having trouble talking a lot, or reaching out. It feels I am being flooded and unsure where I am. Always afraid and constantly on alert. I have lost a lot of time through out last week and this week is not starting off any better.

I feel I am risking a lot to post here as my family knows I am here and they read what I post. It makes it hard to reach out or to say much of anything. Once again it feels like I am trying to hide and peak out every once in a while when I feel so alone in it all. Stepping on egg shells afraid of making any noise or being found out. It makes it hard and holding it in the silence is killing me.

Seems all within are on alert right now and having a hard time connecting with anyone within. There are those within that want to stop me and is making it hard to even go to see t at all. I sit and stare off, often finding it hard to get back. Sometimes it feels I am not going to take the next breath and those frames where I disappeared and came back between them are right there, at times as if I am still right there.

It feels the walls are breathing and staining in crimson, and I am not sure they are not going to enclose me within them. At times it feels as though I could slip into them disappearing altogether. I am afraid that I am within a dream somewhere and I am afraid I am going to wake up and be back in that place awaiting my end. Sleep does not come except in spurts and the night mares are screaming at me.

I feel at times like I am being pulled away and that there is a wall between those within and myself. I can hear them but I cannot reach them. It feels unsafe and like I am losing my mind at times. Losing time and ending up someplace I do not know how I got to or why, feeling that drugged feeling once again making it hard to move or lift my head. Some of the littles so terrified I can feel them shaking and hear their small cries through the wall.

Trying to stay in the moment but those moments seem to never come or maybe they are never ending but the moments are anywhere but here in this present time. At times it feels I am trying to say something but nothing comes out, except inside where the silent screams echo through my head where no one can hear me. I feel I want to disappear at times and not be here.

I find myself trying to write all the time but my thoughts do not want to come down as if trying to find them in the fog that is thick and at times nothing makes sense but somehow knowing it is suppose to. Tears seem to fall without warning but yet stop just as fast. I feel I am being pulled almost somewhere within and there is no way out. Fearing everyone even those that in my head I know are safe and care.

I feel so alone even when I am not, and even more afraid to say anything even though somewhere inside I want to. The counting to 30 is strong and that feeling of when I get to 30 I will say something but 30 never seem to come but the clock goes around and around until time seems to be gone. Writing so small as if not to be seen but needing to get it out of my mind where it feels it is spinning. At times I can show it to someone but most is written and kept in silence afraid to let anyone know what is in those little words.

Others within writing at times that I have no idea they have even come out, sometimes posting it sometimes not. And I am too afraid to read what it is they have to say. I feel like I am losing my mind if it ever was there at all. My anxiety seems so high and makes it hard at times to breathe. Wanting to be close and connect yet at times coiling back terrified to even be seen. And all the while those silent screams getting louder and more forceful within.

I do not know what I am trying to say or if this even makes any sense. Just needing to reach out, hoping somehow it is okay, and that someone knows we are here...............................trying to hold onto our purple but it feels it is slipping away too..........................

dps