maybe it is the illness talking. when i first got really depressed i pretty much hated myself. i still deal with problems with self esteem, but maybe it will get better with time. you have to find ways to uplift yourself because no one else will. im sure there are plenty of good things about you and just because youre big, does not mean you arent beautiful. beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. i also understand what it feels like to be angry with yourself because of your mental illness. its not your fault that you are that way. i dont know if me or you can ever be "normal", but we can try to be the best that we possibly can be. plus, i figured out that being "normal" is overrated. when i have felt my worst i just thought about my hopes and dreams. thats the only thing that has kept me going, really. the hope of making a better life for myself. i know personally that losing weight is hard, but if i can do it, you can do it. trust me, im one of the most undisciplined people in the world. lol