I want to be someone else. Frankly, I feel like I have accomplished nothing in life, so I don't matter. All the 'accomplishments' I have are these cliché, nonsense accomplishments, like how I take amateurish photos, am an amateur chess player, that haven't yet committed suicide despite all the hell I've been through, and that I 'try,' as if any of these matter.

I feel I need some spectacular accomplishment because I need to counteract all the bad and wrong in me, like if I have lots of excellent accomplishments, such as degrees, money, awards, etc., than it will make me less bad. It's a simple thought process…

Money/Degrees/Awards = Good; Me = Bad/Failure/Wrong/Rejection; Money/Degrees/Awards + Me = Good Me.

I don't know how to feel better about who I am. An assignment I have is to write 5 good things each day – will attempt that.

Other times I feel like I would really like it if someone hugged or held me and told me that I am okay the way I am. It's been about 3 years since someone hugged me. All day I am alone in my office; it is hard.

I'm such a mess…