Maven,

This is really a complicated situation isn't it? It sounds like there are alot of things going on with everyone involved.

Sounds like Mom doesn't have much self esteme. It sounds like she doesn't know what she needs to do to handls things in her own life. It also sounds like her communication skills were never developed throughout her whole life.....never grew up in that area & needs alot of work to even realize what she isn't able to do. She seems to be thinking that it is only an issue of bothering you, not an issue of communication. It also sounds like she is afraid to talk to people she doesn't know. Possibly for fear that she won't know how to handle any situation that may arise when talking to others. It isn't impossible to fix, but at her age, & having been the way she is for probably her whole life, she probably doesn't even know what the real problem is. She may feel safer depending on others to do what she needs done. It sounds like she doesn't want to be a bother, but it sounds like she doesn't really know how to ask the questions necessary for others to understand what she is trying to get at either.

I agree with the others that outside help would be great, but it doesn't sound like she realizes what the real problem is, so I would guess that she doesn't even think that she needs any help. It also sounds like over the years, she has mastered manipulation too.....that is where the "chest pains" & "can't breathe" comes in. It's a way to get people to do what they want by causing people to think they are causing the person to hurt & we don't want to see them suffer.

I am rather surprised with your OCD that you have been able to deal with Mom as well as you have. That has to be quite a challenge & very difficult on you. I am not sure how old your Mom is.....but the older they get the more set in their ways they are & the harder (or even impossible) it is to change behaviours like this.

My mother had some similar issues. She was able to take care of her own appointments however in the end (80 years old), she didn't take care of herself soon enough to catch her cancer before it ended up being stage IV & dying 7 months after the surgery. Thourghout her life, to me, she always seemed to lack intelligence & to be honest , now I truely hate her for what she did in the end. Her cognative abilities were so poor (stroke or cancer moving to the brain?) she wasn't capable of making logical decisions....they were only based on emotion but no one would back me up. Little did any one know that the consequences of her manulipation would cause the home care RN to enter into the situation & steal all the valuable jewelry, steal my mothers ID, OD my mother on morphine, & even had the police called to accuse me of abusing my mother. The whole time, her surgeon swore that "he got it all". When I finally got her Surgeon to talk to me 3 weeks before she died, he confirmed what I thought all along. He told me that "my mother didn't give him anything to work with when she came to him". Then why did he keep telling us that he got it all. My mother was never told how serious the cancer was & that the cancer was spreading. She never once said anything to me about the cancer....she really believed that he saved her life & continually asked me when she was going to get better.

After going through this experience, I know how important it is to communicate honestly with family. I know that during my mothers life, when we talked, she was always over sensitive & would over react to things that were said to her. She always took everything so personally that her feelings were always being hurt. I was the only child, I just couldn't deal with her. I was always the tough one.....that knew how to deal with situations that she didn't know how to take care of.....especially with her mother (my grandmother who ended up with altzhiemers). Being tough....I really didn't care how my mother took what I told her......I would constantly be telling her to deal with it & get over it. I didn't have patience for her & I didn't want to have patience. In my mind, it was her problem.....not mine & if she didn't like what I told her I really didn't care. That can be a problem even in my marriage, but I am the one that usually tells it like it is & don't care what my family thinks or does. If they can't deal with reality.....that is their problem. I must admit that my personality with my family is rough at times, but in my own mind....it is their problem if they can't deal with reality...not mine. I don't want patience to deal with people who can't deal with life.

I am sure that having some patience would definitely be much better than the way I am. It woulld smooth things over much better than the way I handle things. There would be less wars being fought.......but developing patience at this point is probably just as difficult as trying to learn how to communicate in the first place.

The art of communication is quite involved....knowing how to get your ideas across so that you can be understood......getting your thoughts across so that they can be peacefully delt with. It is alot to work on & I think the older we get, the harder it is to make changes. It doesn't mean it is impossible, just a difficult task along with needing the desire to make the changes.

Debbie