Thanks for your replies. I do kind of go out. I don't sit around in my house all day. I can't stand being in the house either. Everything feels stale. I do anything just to get out. I tend to go to malls or cinema or anywhere. I have one friend I have known from the age of five and I see him most weekends, usually at his house. But even then when I go out or with my friend I am still feeling lonely and a bit like I am wandering around. I feel kind of lost. I used to participate in sports but have lost my way. My heart isn't in it anymore. I kind of think what is the point of it all. I know people like me and get on with me but there is something wrong. As if I don't have any personality or completely forgettable. People forget I am in the room with them. I have actually frightened people because they have forgotten I was there and just noticed me. I don't mean it.
All of my friends have met someone and moved away and I don't see them anymore apart from the one who lives in a house with his girlfriend. Though they both like me being there, I don't like going out too often as I feel I am crowding them. They are also never apart which I think is a bit weird but if they are fine with that then I suppose that is okay. It is best to think of them both as a single entity. (or siamese twins). I can be in a crowded room and still be lonely. It doesn't matter where. Most of the time I just do things to try and take my mind of it. It always comes back to me though.

As for the idea of a prostitute and risks. I have been thinking for years now about it and the risks were the only thing stopping me. But now I have a different idea of the risks. Everybody takes a risk stepping out of there homes everday. Driving to work, driving anywhere, using public transport, walking down the street, or even deciding to stay in. I could be knocked down by a bus or get killed in a motoring accident or knifed in the street. I could even be attacked in my own home. I don't mean to frighten anyone saying these things but these things are possible. I used to take risks in the sports I did and even ended up in hospital a few times becasue of them. In this case it is my choice and I know the risks. It's not like I don't know. Also, as long as they are professional enough, I doubt they like to take risks themselves. The only thing is: Would I feel bad about it? In some ways yes but in other ways no. I can't really decide. I have been working on these decisions for years. I didn't just wake up one morning with this idea in my head. I have even been discussing this with my therapist. I can't believe I did either. Here is different. This is virtually anonymous. With my therapist it is me sitting in this room face to face with this woman, telling her lots of things, half of which I can't believe I have even dared to say. But she has been brilliant with everying that I have said to her. I think she knows me better than I know myself. Which is kind of scary as well.

Is sex bad? Should I be thinking about sex? What is normal?

Just to let you know, I have been sexually abused as a child and I am very confused. I lnow that I am not normal when I compare myself with others. I do know that I do want sex but there are things lingering in the background putting doubts on my mind. Plus the fact that sex is very hard to get if you don't have a partner. What alternatives are there? There is only one. That's why I am talking about it. I would rather only have sex as part of a relationship and not just sex. This part bothers me because you simply don't have a relationship with a prostitute. It is "just sex" (not that I would know) and I don't know if I can deal with that. I would say this was a bigger issue than the risks. I'm sorry if I can't explain this well.

Thanks for your suggestions though =)