So I have a really bad day coming up. I'm heading off to see my old therapist so that he can tell me to my face why he can't see me anymore. Either I'm too crazy and he's not trained in the kind of crazy I am or, as other therapists gently explained, he just doesn't like me, doesn't have good repoire with me and needs to send me somewhere else. Neither of these possibities sound very pleasant to me. So I'm steeling myself inside for whatever may come. (Sadistic is what I think it is; I'd rather just have a phone call than be broken up with in person).

I've made another appointment with my brand new therapist for this afternoon so maybe he can help me process it all and help me see it as a positive thing.

This wouldn't matter so much of I weren't so attached to T1. He was there for me for 2 and a half years until I became suicidal (bad reaction to an antidepressant) then he left not long after I got out of the hospital.

I'm trying to tell myself it doesn't matter. I was never that close to him anyway but it's a lie. I was deeply bonded to him. He changed my life. I can't tell you how many times I thought I was so lucky to finally have found a good therapist. He was often the only good thing I could think about in my new city (I just moved here not too long ago).

But nothing lasts forever. The relationship has to come to an end. May as well get it over with. It's just gonna be a really hard day for me. I miss him so much.