"If you're never getting better it means you don't want to feel better", I was told by all the professionals who couldn't help me with my issues. It used to make me feel infuriated, then invalidated, then just more depressed than I already was.

Sometimes I think they were right. Not in the sense that I like being mentally ill, but that it's all my fault. If I were better at dealing with things, if I wouldn't procrastinate so much, if I wouldn't fall in the same patterns over and over again even though I'm aware of them and can recognize them immediately by now... If I were better at learning how to manage my life in spite of my issues, this wouldn't be happening to me. Right? I mean, I should have learned by now.

I tried this time. I had my whole summer planned out. I wanted to go abroad on working holidays. I bought everything I'd need for the trip. Arranged my stay. 2 days later I got a call. A mental health nurse says if I take a course and complete it they might have a job in a library for me. At first just a symbolic pay-check, but later it might become a real job. "The course starts in 10 days", she says. "You have today and tomorrow to sign up for it". I was so mad. So disappointed. Why wasn't I told before? Why tell me at the last possible minute? I had plans for the entire summer. Ok, so no more holidays. I mean, I've been unemployed for so long, never had a real job and we don't get disability for mental illness where I live. I never moved out of my parents' house. Parents that don't like me. I need a job.

So I go there, I sign up. I pay for the course. They say it starts in 10 days, on Thursday. I spend these 10 days worrying (I have social anxiety and this is kind of a big deal for me). So Thursday is tomorrow, right? 2 hours ago they informed us the course isn't starting yet. They didn't receive the financial aid from the EU. It is supposed to start "at the end of the month" but given how things go here I doubt that.

I really wanted to go abroad. I went last year and it's been so great. I went from severely depressed to not depressed at all in 1 day. I didn't even know how that was possible, but it happened. After 11 years of depression & anxiety I was feeling fine. I didn't even know what it's like to feel fine, because I've had anxiety my whole life and depression since I was 12. I was really looking forward to repeat the experience this summer. Turns out I can't go because of the stupid course. So I stay. Now the course isn't happening for god knows how long.

I should have done something. I should have handled it better. I should have known what to do and how to do it. I'm 23 and I don't have a life. Why don't I know how to get a life? Why haven't I learned yet? Will I ever learn? I'm so tempted to say that I already know the answer, that things will never change, that I'll never get better. But I won't. Let's see if I can also not think that.