Thank you so much for all your kindness. I had to delete from here but came back last night because losing all my support at once was just too much to handle. I'm so glad I came back.

Someone tried to take T away, and this feels worse than T choosing to leave me. In the latter scenario, T is all powerful, but the way things are now, T is just another victim. Or perhaps this is about the illusion of my own power. I thought that if I held my breath when her aeroplane was in the air, if I nagged her enough about the bike, if I worried enough about her getting cancer, if I foresaw every potential danger, that I could keep her safe.

I am just about holding onto sanity. I spent the night looking at hundreds of mugshots of 'wanted' criminals online, trying to find him. This is clearly utterly stupid, as I have never seen him and indeed don't even know if it was a man. I am supposed to be working now, but I'm having to fight the urge to look up every estate agent in the city to find T a safe new house.

I haven't heard from T today, so I guess she has decided to take a week off from phone contact too, which I was sort of pushing her to do (and of course regret now). It is heartbreakingly sad to realise that the best way I can help someone I love so much is to stay away from her; that I am 'work' and what she needs a break from.