Yes! Me, too. Part of it is that I knew I could re-invent myself when I was younger (just like Madonna, Michael Jackson, and so on). But I've lost so many resources that this is no longer possible. Or not in the slick way that it used to be. Also, uh, I make a huge effort not to lie. I used to lie a lot. (Sometimes in complete lies, sometimes just half-truths.) But I've come to realize that what I have always been desperate for is relationship based on acceptance, not admiration. That is, I used to mostly get by on a kind of perfectionism, bluster, aggression, charm. All those traits we, and others, know so well. In the end, they failed me. What's left seems so pathetically fragile--so small. And, I have no control over whether or not it is enough. In fact, if I really respect other people, I have to stay out of their "space" so much of the time that I don't feel like there is anyone there at all, that there is really any connection at all. The incredible thing that therapy has done for me, is that my therapist IS always there. Not that he answers the phone, or that he will take my crisis calls--he insists that I have another team for that. But he is always there for therapy and has told me over and over through the years that he will never fire me. We're going on seven years. Sometimes I can only get there every five or six weeks, and go a little crazy with fear, but, when it's possible to return, there he is, just like always. I've come to realize I am very lucky in this. I don't know what others do if their families desert them and their therapist does too. I wonder if I would be strong enough to keep on. I hope so, but I am so grateful that I have not had to face that horrible test.