that I could go in there open...and not numb myself with ativan and last minute rushing

that I could pay attention and participate instead of darting every which way in my head to avoid presence.

that I could make eye contact and let him see me.

that I could lay down the sword and trust a little.

that when I think I like him I don't find a million reasons why I hate him.

that I wasn't so hard and calloused that nothing he says can penetrate.

that I would stop worrying about how quickly I can get thru the appointment and relax in the content.

that I could go back and retell my history with emotion this time.

that I would stop holding back info to keep the power on my side.

that I would see him as an ally instead of an enemy.

that I could get thru a week without wanting to die.