I want to thank all of you for responding. It helps me to know that I am not alone in my concerns. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past but have always reasoned myself through them. My fear is that I have done something so vile that I will not be able to forgive myself. I want to know what I did but the fear of annihilation overwhelms me. If I knew I could reach out at anytime to someone when these thoughts invade my mind I would feel safer. I know suicide is not the answer. I know it would cause the ones I love great pain. I know I still need to be here for my family. I am just afraid I will not be able to find this knowledge when I need it. My biggest concern regarding suicide has always been regret. I am not sure if that is enough right now. I will talk specifically about suicide with my t, We really haven't done that. I will see if she has a similar agreement that amandalouise mentioned. I want to know what happened and believe I can't heal unless I do. I am just afraid of what I might do when I find out. And it is that fear that stands between me and my freedom from my past.