OMG i posted this and then saw how long it was.sooo sorry and please dont feel the need to read and respond. i guess i kind ok just kept on with the thoughts .i'm sorry


i went to T yesterday and this is what it was about to the best of my knowledge. IDK

my T was on time almost . i followed her up the stairs and instead of stopping and letting me go past her into the room she went first because the door was shut ,I don't like the door shut or opening it to get in,the chair was pushed back some again.i really am trying not to let these things bother me.they are what they are ,right, i sat down as T was messing with putting some paper work away. i was still feeling uneasy as i had described in another post but not really all that panicky.T sits down and said"so it's going to be a crossed arms day?" i immediately uncrossed my arms and put them in my pocket. i am trying to be more open and not defensive.we talk about the stuff my son is up to and about his farther going missing.we started talking a lot about his farther and i didn't want to waste my session talking about him so i said i no longer wanted to talk about him.T said OK and then,SILENCE

i had no words.i wasn't panicked,angry,scared,i wasn't anything and yet i still had NO WORDS. i know this is hard to believe but a huge part of me wanted to talk.so much stuff was going through my head.but no words.i finely said i have no idea what to talk about.things are going OK this week. T then asked what OK was like.i told her that i was sleeping OK this week with few nightmares of anything .she said that was great.that sleep is so important.. basically this is true i have been doing OK this week .dare i say even been in a good moodso it is to reason because i am in a good place that maybe it would be a good time to just talk about things .right?just open my mouth and talk.

my T started talking to me about dreams and how they work.how it is our minds way of processing things that bother us. no words from me on this.lots more silence that i usually love.but i wanted to talk.i wanted to tell her about the dream i had about her or any of my other dreams i had that i remember.about how it is like when i wake up.so so much but nothing but silence from me.it is like every part of me was saying it isn't OK to talk about this.don't do it and arguing with the small part that wanted so badly to just talk.

she talked about how i get scared from these nightmares i have. oh no you didn't just go there. now my head is saying nope you were not scared at all this happens all the time and it goes away.after a bit i said this to T to witch she responded the symptoms you are having sound to me like you are scared.i don't like her using feeling words. she is so calm and OK sitting in her chair.just talking ,no nothing just talking answering to things.i want to be like that.i want to not have this huge wall that says do not enter by any means. I said I'm not scared.she compromised and changed the word to stressed.she talked about fear being a very primitive response that goes back to cave men days and fighting monsters etc... and i started to giggle because my thoughts went immediately to thinking and monster mothers also.so T silenced and i just said that.and she said yes you mother turned into a monster at times or was always a monster. IT wasn't just me who said that, because now I'm not here and you cant see me. why was i so so embarrassed that i said that.why was it such a horrible thing to say that made every part of me feel so ashamed.it was a simple comment to anyone outside my head who might have been listening but not to the core of everything that i am. it was devastating and i was chastised by every rational part of myself for speaking it out loud. why it wasn't a horrible thing to say. but i instantly wished i had not. more silence.

she started talking about how dreams don't always make sense and they are very symbolic and fascinating when looked at .it is the minds way of dealing and everything means something.that if i wanted to share some of my dreams that it would be a great idea and a good way to be able to look at things .i thought about the dreams i have and how it would be so cool to be able to have someone to share them with ,someone who could help me make sense of them.i really did want to share them with her and talk to her but again nope no way.she talked a bit more about how dreams can be helpful and some of the things they mean and i decided to tell her that i was always small in the dreams i remembered. i don't remember her response to that because i instantly went into chastise mode with my thoughts yelling at me and all the horrible feelings for even saying that simple comment.it wasn't a bad thing to say if you look at it from the outside but from the inside again it was so devastating.WHY DID I SAY IT???.so much shame,fear,confusion.WHY??? i want to be able to talk to her without this.it was such a simple comment.any way i don't remember her response but all my insecurities were running full force so i asked if she thought it was strange that i was small in all the dreams i remember. she said no not at all,that she thought it was what my mind is trying to process or something like that,that she thought it would be helpful if i wanted to share these dreams with her big silence

she asked after a while if i had any thoughts i wanted to share. i said no that i was actually doing OK this week even in a good mood .she said that i can share even positive thoughts .i said i didn't say i was full of positive thoughts and that i was happy to just not be filled with negative thoughts.she then said (in reference to the earlier conversation about my son) that after having so many horrible people in my life it is so nice that i have these wonderful people now .she is right about that and end of session.

during the whole session she was so relaxed and almost board looking.not wanting to push anything.just kind of being there.she would answer questions i may have had .but with short answers.it was just strange.i cant put words to the feelings i am left with.i mean i am not panicked or upset, i think i am somewhat confused about it all

i know all this seems so simple and so insignificant but OMG i don't get it, it is so hard to say these things at all.