I'm talking a general day, not working, no stressors, no triggers, just all of the sudden.

When I introduced myself last night, I never discussed anything about what has produced a giant tear duct of a woman... guess I'll give it a try.

Alki, KKK father, tried to kill mother when I was five (rifle), married my half sister; brother abusive toward me until my mom made him move out when I started my period. Told all my life by good ol' mum, my father had abused me until heavy stress of a divorce lead my therapist and my dreams to realize all the time it was my brother. Twisted memories made me feel completely crazed. Pill popping mom; another sister that addicted to pills due to severe physical handicap; My family disowned me once I wanted to discuss the childhood abuse.

I've beaten down the behaviors of drug abuse, vodka, and self-abuse through codependency on bullies and such in my life, and now I feel pretty alone. I've accepted my behavior as an adult caused more trauma, like being sexually assaulted and getting into fights when I was young. Now I'm 39.

I tend to stay home mostly because I just don't feel safe anymore. When I do go out, I have to sit in a certain place, and if rowdy people enter, I must exit. I've ran away from my problems and everyone wanted to BE me, and now that I've faced my problems, I'm a leper? doesn't seem even mildly fair.

I've spent the last 8 yrs as a teacher for at risk youth, but the physical nature of these kids is just too much for me. I'm looking for work in prisons and such, addresses safety issue but not the daily crying issues, trouble sleeping, etc.

Ok. I guess that's about all I have in my head right now. Thks for reading. cheers, Cypress Dreams