her when in fact I really wanted her to hug me).

T2 told me that is normal to be guarded after being so close to T1 to only leave and feel hurt. I'm also guarded for many other reasons some of which relates to CSA and neglect/abuse from parents. She briefly tried EMDR with me and it had no effect on me what so ever. At that point as was so closed off nothing could reach me. She kept asking me what I was feeling or thinking and there were no words. I just kept saying how frustrating and useless this process is and I'm still feeling a bit of that now.

Inside I thought about how desperately I wanted to cry and let it out but my auto response of holding back was there. I desperately wanted to be vulnerable and open to T but it wasn't happening.

We talked a bit about how we have parts inside of us and we connected a bit with the 5 year old girl. She asked me if she was sitting next to me or on my lap. I told her on my lap. She then asked if I could hold her and I couldn't. I feel so horrible inside. I feel like such a failure. Just waiting for the sadness and the tears to come. I wish I could just show them and leave them there in T's office. I wish I didn't have to deal with this alone like feel I always have. Alone like the 5yr old girl. I can't stand waiting another week for my next appointment.

My 5yr old girl is pissed right now about the fact that what she needs most and desperately craves she will never, ever, ever, ever get from T.

Thank you for listening as always.