*sigh*

Whenever I see one of my peers in the program I'm in, produce something really great and spectacular, or show off equipment they have that's really cool - I just get all angry at myself and bummed out.

I feel like I'm never going to be good enough. That even if I practice, save up to buy equipment and review a whole bunch of tutorials and stuff, I'll never be good enough compared to everyone else.

And because, what I'm going to in my program, is the field I'm going to for my life/job/career/goal -- and the fact that I suck at it, makes me feel worthless. Stupid. Very retarded that I even bothered coming into the program in the first place.

And knowing that I came into the field because it was the strongest thing I could do, and it's my personal strength -- makes it even worse! Cause that means I really do suck.

I mean, what the heck and I doing with my life then? I can't even do anything worthwhile, helpful or anything that contributes to the world, society or work in any way.

I'm just a boring person with scarcely any abilities. It makes me think it's more logical to die and make room for the people who are worth it.

And if I die, I won't have to worry about anything anymore. And that, seems less stressful then a world-a lifetime full of stress being surrounded by people who are better than me. Struggling financially.

With all of this. This is stuff my T can't help me with. Cause I know what they'll say and have said. Practice, learn and try getting better at what I love doing. With the new skills I will be learning I will feel more confident about myself, and so on.

I've been trying. Getting no where. Financial stuck, it's either buy new gear and become homeless or save the money for rent and have a stable place to stay. I have two part time jobs already with school full-time. I don't know if I can squeeze in a third job to get more money...

People seem to zoom off ahead with their skills that I can't catch up.

What now? I'm in this damned cycle for so long. What do I do now?