I couldn't sleep well last night and maybe slept 5 hours last night. I was anxious just thinking about what I was going to say in my appointment today. I explained to T the best I could about what was going on for me during our 'standing across the room' from one another during the last appointment.

I told her that I didn't want to talk about 'it' but I felt I had to. I told her I didn't want her to walk towards me in the exercise last week because I felt uncomfortable in her doing so. I felt very guarded and anxious. I told T my reason for feeling anxious and guarded was because in reality I really desperately wanted her to be close to me and that doesn't feel right. I also talked about the seduction wanting to give up my power to others and let others over power me. I talked about my old T and 'the hug' situation and how awkward it was and how I initially walked away from her hug because it felt wrong (Way back when I told my old T I wanted to hug her when in fact I really wanted her to hug me).

T1 asked me if some of that situation is in this room right now. I told her yes. She told me that there are things that can't be fulfilled in a therapy room and I of course agreed as that's so obvious.

T2 told me that is normal to be guarded after being so close to T1 to only leave and feel hurt. I'm also guarded for many other reasons some of which relates to CSA and neglect/abuse from parents. She briefly tried EMDR with me and it had no effect on me what so ever. At that point as was so closed off nothing could reach me. She kept asking me what I was feeling or thinking and there were no words. I just kept saying how frustrating and useless this process is and I'm still feeling a bit of that now.

Inside I thought about how desperately I wanted to cry and let it out but my auto response of holding back was there. I desperately wanted to be vulnerable and open to T but it wasn't happening.

We talked a bit about how we have parts inside of us and we connected a bit with the 5 year old girl. She asked me if she was sitting next to me or on my lap. I told her on my lap. She then asked if I could hold her and I couldn't. I feel so horrible inside. I feel like such a failure. Just waiting for the sadness and the tears to come. I wish I could just show them and leave them there in T's office. I wish I didn't have to deal with this alone like feel I always have. Alone like the 5yr old girl. I can't stand waiting another week for my next appointment.

My 5yr old girl is pissed right now about the fact that what she needs most and desperately craves she will never, ever, ever, ever get from T.

Thank you for listening as always.