Hey granite, I so admire your persisitence and determination in therapy. It is so hard for you but you keep on trying, and that is so courageous of you!
Have you ever heard about internal introjects? An internal introject is when a part of self takes on the persona of an abuser and often spends their time attacking the self. Sounds mean and horrible but the internal introject is really a *protector* - by attacking the self internally their purpose is actually to protect the host from attack from the *real* abuser.
I kind of wonder if something like this is happening for you. From bits and pieces you've shared it sounds like your mother would have attacked, criticised and bullied you into silence whenever you wanted to share something or do or say pretty much anything at all. And now, all these years later, you have internalised this so that you attack, criticize and bully your own self into submission and silence. Does this sound like it could be what's going on for you?