I understand to an extent how you feel. Though my father is available to me (I can see him whenever, though he and my mother divorced early in my life), he is a horrible role model for various reasons, and I ceased any form of visitation with him when I turned 13. I understand not having that model.

How I dealt with it was looking at what my father is as a basis of what I shouldn't be in life. A model of (forgive me if this sounds harsh...I mean this mostly towards mine) failure is still a model, only instead of looking towards it, you look away.

I am sorry your father passed before you had a chance to reconcile...I know that must be hard. As far as men goes, not all of us are like our fathers. There are good men out there. Therapy can be a huge help in dealing with the underlying issues that cause your problems with relationships.

I hope I was of some help to you, and I hope you are able to find some peace in this.