One of my big problems was the distance that evolved between me and my daughter. And I know she doesn't understand me and this PTSD that has overcome me.

I have been struggling with what to tell her about me. And how to tell her. Well, she stopped by to pick up our truck and trailer that she uses for her horse and I got up the courage to go out and try to talk, maybe get a hug and just tell her I love her.

And then I tried to appologize to her and explain to her how I struggle and why. It was SO hard to tell her where it all comes from that even I didn't understand some of the things I had developed over the years to compensate for a very troubled childhood.

And it wasn't easy for me to raise her the way I wanted because of my troubled marriage and dealing with a husband that was a binge alcoholic.
I confessed to her that I was always scared and tried very hard to be good mother, try to be strong.

The one thing I forgot to remind her of was the years I also dealt with a bad case of endometriosis that really effected my hormones. I didn't just have regular PMS, I had the PMS as if I had several uterus's. That is what it does, it spread even down my leg and when I had my cycle it had a cycle too and increase the effects of the hormones that are so troublesome that most women struggle with that make them moody and even tearful for often several days. But for me, that wasn't all it did, I also about four to five days after my cycle would reel in pain from a fluid buildup behind my uterus. It was so painful I was completely imobile in pain and vomiting until it would subside. Every month I dealt with this and I went to a gyno and kept asking about it and was told it was just cysts and they could do nothing. They were WRONG and finally when I had an attack that would not stop I went to a different Gyno and they went in with a scope through my belly button and there for the first time in years I got to see what was causing me so much pain every month. And they lazored it out.

Then they gave me an implant of Lupron to stop my period so I could heal. That implant had a side effect to later be discovered of severe depression. And that is exactly what happened to me, I went into severe depression, could not even function or get out of bed. I finally went to the gyno and asked him what was happening to me. He told me I had no estrogen when he tested my blood and he also told me that he could help me by replacing the estrogen as well as put me on Zoloft. But he failed to tell me that it was the Lupron that caused this to happen.

Well, it took a few months but gradually like a fog lifting I slowly came out of the depression. I finally got myself back, however the Lupron wasn't finished, it sent me into early menopaus and that was no picnic either.

So I had that to deal with amongst finding out my husband had cheated on me and separating and trying to put my marriage back together so my daughter could have her family. So I also had to do marriage counceling and be told how my husband had never really grown up because of the alchoholism and I had to learn how not to let him push my buttons to mother him. And I did try very hard, and he DID try to push those buttons.

And it was very hard to keep up with my daughter's riding horses and showing too as well as the physical challenges and marital challenges I faced. Oh how I tried to keep it all together and be good mom.

Tonite I told her about the PTSD and how it went back to CSA that started when I was just a baby really and how I was always so afraid and stressed growing up, how it hurt me in ways I didn't realize. I told her that this event with losing the horses and ponies was so much on me that it also brought out a past that I never knew could be relived like I am reliving it now. I tried to tell her how it is not just a memory, it is so much more, it is crippling beyond anything I have ever could have imagined.

I told her that was why I hovered over her so much when she was little because I didn't want her to ever experience what had happened to me.
Also that she was an only child and never knew the challenge of siblings either. But then she told me it was hard on her when I fell apart, she told me she was so alone alot with me and no one was there to help her understand what was going on with her mother. She never knew how I was going to be because I was often angry or upset and unpredictable.
This all came about when my husband and I were separated, I was struggling with the endometriosis and trying to figure out what on earth I was going to do. I WAS VERY AFRAID AND CONFUSED AND DIDN'T REALLY HAVE SOMEONE TO HELP ME EITHER WITH ALL OF WHAT I WAS DEALING WITH.

Now that I look back, I am sure it was hard for her. I really thought I hid it, I know I tried and I really tried to keep her busy with her horse and learning and showing while I tried to figure out what to do. I guess I didn't hide it as well as I thought. I thought I comforted her, but I guess she was scared too. And her father was not really around for her or me really.

Oh and that creepy trainer situation didn't help either. I was REALLY overwhelmed now that I look back. And I didn't realize how much it effected her.

It was hard to hear her discribe me as unpredictable and confusing for her. I honestly thought I hid it, I do know that it did sometimes ooze out in front of her. God, it was just NEVER EASY for me, one thing after another comprimizing my life SO MUCH! And then I almost died too? And I didn't realize that her father didn't really comfort her, she was trying to take care of the farm while I was fighting for my life.

I have ALWAYS been fighting SO DAM HARD ALL MY LIFE. I honestly TRIED SO DAM HARD TO BE A GOOD MOTHER. It just seemed like every time I would gain any ground I would just get slammed. It was hard to hear it from her side, how it all effected her, in spite of my efforts.

Then, losing her horse because of our dam neighbor? And now me with this dam disorder she doesn't understand? I FEEL AWFUL TO THE DEPTHS OF ME. All I wanted was for my child to be happy, GOD I TRIED SO DAM HARD, but everytime I turned around there was something else I had to deal with. I know I really tried, I really loved her and beat the pavement so she could have her life with her horses and it WAS productive for her. I don't even know how I did it now that I look back at all the obstacles set in my path.

It just hurt to hear how she WAS hurt also. I feel like she blames me for not somehow being even stronger than I was. I know I TRIED. I have been trying ever since I can remember. I never really felt safe in my life, it got to be where I would wonder what big thing I was going to have to address each year. Looking back I can only remember one year I had some peace. I could not even go and have a dam colonoscopy without them injuring my spleen and winding up in the emergency room and then the ICU due to my speen bleeding waiting to see if I would have to have it removed. It is rare to have happen what happened to me, ugh, only me.

Now I have this dam disorder that no one understands. Everyone is angry at me because I am not strong enough, because YES I HAVE DAYS WHERE I REALLY STRUGGLE, AND I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF THAT "IT IS NOT MY FAULT". I have to find a way to love myself, even if I didn't or wasn't somehow strong enough, and it seeped over the edges with me often being troubled or angry or as is said unpredictable.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if I didn't make it when I almost died. I would not be this burden that others don't understand. I don't know, people seem to think I should have been stronger, they can't understand why I cant seem to "JUST DEAL"OR "SNAP OUT OF IT".

I am very tired tonite. I hope you don't mind if I cry a bit.

Open Eyes