[SIZE="2"][SIZE="1"]I think I need to die, but I can't bring myself to suicide. I know my family would be better off without me here, before you automatically jump to the standard conclusion of NO, please hear me out.
I'm 34 years old and the father of two amazing, and beautiful little girls of 5 and 2yrs. I am also the husband of a wonderful wife of 8years. About 2 years into our marriage with a newborn on the way I started developing what would later be chronic pain in my back. So I went to dr after dr and had test after test with no good explanation as to what was causing the pain therefore noone was able to fix the problem. After about two years of this I was finally able to get into the mayo clinic i'n Minnesota. I just knew that they would look outside the box and find the problem, however that is not what happened. All they did was redo all the tests that have already been done resulting i'n the same response of "there's nothing wrong with you, you just need to exercise". I HATE that answer because my pain tells a different story, but since pain does not show up on a MRI it must not be real.
That experience took the wind out of my sails and put an end to me trying to find the problem. I just continued on with my pain management dr. I
worked for the government at the time painting planes for the air force (civilian) and was unable to perform my duties so they forced me into a medical retirement which doesn't amount to hardly any income.
Now let me switch gears and explain how all of this affects my life. The physical pain is present most every day in some degree. On a scale of 1-10 it is usually between 4-6 sometimes more or less. I treat it by medication and a traction device for my neck as well as an electronic muscle stimulator. I get most comfort sitting i'n my recliner. The pain is bad enough that I am unable to do the things that a father and a husband need to do ie playing with the kids, helping around the house, going to walmart, even sitting through church is difficult. This puts a HUGE burden on my wife to keep up with things when I can't help, and also puts a HUGE amount of guilt on me because I feel like I have failed as a husband and a daddy.
There is also lots of depression that I deal with due to this not only the guilt that I just described but the way other people view me. For example, about a year ago my sister told me that "I don't want to work and that everybody knows it" and that she feels sorry for my wife and kids. She basically said that I was a looser that is lazy and just want to pop pain pills instead of supporting
my family. That was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me, and it is very hard to even type it now. I don't want to know who all thinks that way but I'm afraid that it is more than just her. The problem is I look healthy and I try to do all that I can when I feel good, so what happens is when people see me doing something active they assume I'm faking the whole thing and come up with the same conclusions that my sister did. That is just as hard to deal with if not harder than the pain itself.
Another aspect to all of this is the fact that what is easy for most people is very hard for me, such as school. I have been trying to get back up on my feet for the last 5 years or so and it has been one struggle after another. It is very hard to find a job that I qualify for as well as one that I can do physically. I am limited to basically crappy sales jobs that are miserable to be in. So I have decided to go back to school and get training in computer repair and IT. however I find it very difficult to study the way I need to because either the pain is so bad that I can't focus or the medication is messing with me to where I can't focus. Then when I feel good enough to study I feel like there are other things I need to do like help my wife or do something with the family or mow the yard.
This also adds to my low self esteem and my depression. I feel like I fail at everything I do.
As a result of all of this we find it difficult to keep our ducks in a row so to speak. We feel so overwhelmed that several years ago we basically put the stressful things on the back burner. Our finances are a mess partly due to my lack of income and partly due to my wife and I being so stressed with everything else that we neglect it. This has added to our marriage stress as well as my depression. I feel like all this is my fault and that without me things would work themselves out. I apologize for the rambling and lack of order to all of this, I was just putting down what was in my head.