Self Injury is a massive part of who i am. especially now. im averaging 4-5 times a week. Sometimes burns, sometimes cuts.. its a massive coping strategy for me, as well as punishment. It also doesnt help that i love the sight of my blood :/

I Just needed somewhere to vent i guess, thisll do.

Ill begin with a overcap.

I have seen my psychotherapist (T) about 3 times in the past week and a half. I had previously regularly seen her on a Thursday morning. Thursday last week i saw her as arranged, and we had a pretty hard session. I wont say what was discussed, but i will say it resulted in me completely shutting down on her. i left her office with a big sense of dispair, anger and confusion. I didnt know what to think, how to feel or how to react. I was so caught up in it, that i barely remember going home.

By sunday that week i was sinking, and fast. I made the decision to phone T on Monday to arrange an earlier apt. Thursday was just too far away. On the Monday, true to my word, i phoned her. She happily made me an apt for Wednesday. i felt relief. briefly. Tuesday night came around, and i hit a low. I had both cuts and burns. But i recovered enough.

Wednesday morning came around and i was in a stable, but low mind set. i talked with T, and we addressed all my weeks events she was calm and understanding. Which i needed her to be.

Heres the interesting part.

Yesterday (thurs) i had a considerable moment of 'no control'. i turned to my risk management plan for strategies. A drawing of an injured wolf and a good playstation sesh later. I felt like id handled myself well. I did not see what was to come.

Betrayal of Trust. A second trigger.

If anyones ever seen that movie 'A Perfect Storm' ...that storm was me inside.For those who havent seen the movie, basically...3 large storm cells collide and create a 'Perfect Storm'. well, my 2 triggers collide. My reaction? PURE ANGER. So bad was my anger, that i made the decision to leave my house at 3:30-4am (friday morning technically). and walk a considerable distance to the ER. it took me an hour. By the time id arrived there, i was tired, bleeding badly, shaking, and severly cold. numbness and adrenaline filled me. Between getting to the ER and a doctor seeing me, id gone from crazy angry, to severly depressed and suicidal. i was on suicide watch for the next 6 hours.

After talking to the Hospital's Psychologist, whom i had met once before, i was free to go. I saw T later that day, (friday afternoon) We talked. and have made the decision to see each other twice a week, and go from there. i draw her pictures every week to better show her how i feel, whether im having an episode or not.

I guess i thought id just share the story of what me and T call "my little adventure"

Im a little worried though. Sometimes i leave therapy feeling paranoid that; at any moment T is going to tell me im too much for her. i fear she'll abandon me. If she was to, it would completely devestate me, and i dont think id recover from it.

Anyway, any comments or anything, id love to hear it im in a pretty stable mood right now.

Black Wolf