Thanks kindachaotic,

I fell very hard yesterday, it has been quite a challenging week for me this week as well. A question was asked in my husband's deposition that should have never been asked. It had nothing to do with my neighbor's negligence or what happened because of it. And it was highlighting such a difficult time in my life where so much was going on I honestly didn't know what to do. And I can remember driving around trying to sort things out somehow, and feeling so incredibly alone too. And I had this child that I loved so much and wanted so much to be a good mother to her, and I didn't know what to do about all the mess that was really tossed onto my shoulders.

There was always this constant message to forgive, forgive, forgive and that it will set you free somehow. I sure did a lot of that, or, really tried hard to do that. I took time out to get to know my parents and their histories. I spent time alone with my father on his boat and asked him so many questions to learn about what was behind this man I knew as my father. We also discussed the difficulties my father had with my brother, how back then nothing was known about the disorders they know about today. My father was drawn to tears and told me that he regreted how he treated my brother. He told me that no one ever taught him how to be a father and he just wanted his children to be well behaved, speak good english, and get educations. I know that my father was sharing with me like he had never shared with anyone, and he almost never cried like he did with me when he spoke of himself and his regrets.
I am glad that I was there to forgive him, and tell him that he just didn't know and tried to do his best with my brother. I told him that it was important for him to talk with my brother as he did with me.

And my mother, she had no real picnic in her upbringing either and she was a victim of CSA by an uncle. My mother chose to tell me but never went into the details, she was just like every victim of that kind of abuse, didn't want to talk or let out the memories to be felt again. I really thought my mother did well considering HER life challenges and what tools she had to raise HER children with. And oddly enough when I was so small, so afraid, I always knew she loved me, but I aways saw her as being so overwhelmed with three children, no real help from my father and a son that was so hard to control and understand. At such and early age I learned to take so much upon myself in so many ways, but I was never really capable of handling the things I had to deal with as a child.

And as I look back on my life, well, I had a lot of challenges that I had to try to work through on my own somehow. And I really thought I had found ways to overcome so many things, make peace with so many difficult challenges. I thought I did survive, but when I met with this PTSD and the way I have been reliving my life, I feel very betrayed and I am very angry and I also have the feeling that I was just not strong or good enough. When people say "Just" get over it, deal, forget, that is the past and is gone now, move on, forgive, let go I get very angry, very angry because I thought I had managed to do just that, but it didn't work, I have this PTSD that is forcing me to relive so many things that my brain sealed off so I could just survive somehow.

Now, I am alone again and fighting again with something so many simply do not understand and can even be mean or blame me for being selfish and weak or that I SHOULD HAVE DEALT BETTER OR BEEN STRONGER OR THOUGHT OF "THEM" MORE.
So first, for as long as I can remember I was alone to try to deal with things that hurt me, frightened me, shocked me, that I didn't understand either. And now I am reliving all of it and in doing so again I am alone and expected to DEAL, GET OVER, SNAP OUT OF IT.

For this past year, especially, I have been doing nothing but try to find my way through this unbelievable thing going on in my brain. And I get so angry because though I try to express how very difficult it is, people around me think I am crazy, or that I was always crazy, or maybe selfish or that I should have done this or that or said this or that, ALL THESE MONDAY MORNING QUARTERBACKS with all their wisdom of all the how I should haves. And that other saying, "YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW NOT TO LET THIS STUFF GET TO YOU". Gee, let me just think about THAT sentence.
I REALLY get mad when that statement is made, BECAUSE I THOUGHT I HAD DONE THAT OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER ALL MY LIFE. But I guess not because NOW I AM DEALING WITH A BATTLE IN MY BRAIN THAT TELLS ME HOW MUCH IT WAS HURT BY MY PAST.

My attorney this week said, when I expressed to him my displeasure about how he allowed that question to be asked and also if I was going to get deposed and how I don't want what happened last year to happen this year too. He said, "YOU JUST HAVE TO LEARN TO FORGET AND NOT LET THIS BOTHER YOU", "OE, YOU HAVE TO GET THIS OUT OF YOUR MIND". And then I got angry and I stood up to him with my stern voice and told him "WITH PTSD THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN AND IT IS TIME THAT PEOPLE RECOGNIZED THAT". And I told him that HE HAD FAILED TO COMPLY WITH MY REQUEST TO MAKE SURE A DEPOSITION FOR ME WAS DONE WITHOUT THE CONSTANT DELAYS AND HIS FORGETTING THEM. Well, he just got quiet, and I could hear his mind thinking that I MUST BE CRAZY SOMEHOW. He said to me, "I DON'T REMEMBER LAST YEAR, I DON'T HAVE YOUR FILE IN FRONT OF ME". So not only did he fail miserably last year, EVEN WHEN I TOLD HIM HOW DIFFICULT MY PTSD WAS AND ALL THE CANCELED DEPOSITIONS WERE NOW REALLY AGGRIVATING IT. Now, his voice was saying, "THAT IS OVER WITH NOW SO GET OVER IT". Oh, and yes, you still may have to finish being deposed and I do not know when that will happen.

I AM trying very hard to continue to "DEAL" and address the ongoing ignorance or disrespect of me by others. It was clear to me when my attorney chose to appologize to MY HUSBAND and not me about forgetting yet another deposition scheduled last year in spite of my request NOT to do so. The fact that I was put on a line of is, isn't since the first half of my deposition back in 2010 took place, okay, it is now 2012. And I am told that IT IS STILL HANGING OVER MY HEAD AND MAYBE IT WILL HAPPEN AND MAYBE IT WONT? This is not something that should be done to someone who is suffering from PTSD!!!!!

I am alone, I am misunderstood because somehow "I CANNOT SEEM TO JUST SNAP OUT OF IT AND FORGET OR JUST NOT THINK ABOUT IT". Yet, I am trying so hard to explain to others how crippling this PTSD that is now in my brain is. I am trying very hard to be kind to myself and do my best NOT to allow people to BLAME ME for something I truely cannot help. Yes, I realize that people are selfish, unreliable, ignorant, abusive, negligent, have diseases they cannot help, and it is a mad house when it comes to dealing with other human beings. And other human beings DON'T WANT TO KNOW IT, THEY CAN SOMEHOW IGNORE IT, AND "JUST DEAL". And many human beings do not like to be held responsible for "their" mistakes. And if they do admit it after many years, they truely expect me to, just let go and "DEAL". Well, I guess I was never really good at THAT game. I thought I was, I know I tried real hard, no, I never expected the end result to be this awful disorder THAT MOST PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND OR RESPECT.

So, I am on my own in so many ways, like always, trying to be kind to myself and tell myself, "IT IS NOT MY FAULT". I AM doing better than last year, I have great hopes that I will somehow overcome this curse called PTSD. But I do admit, it is quite a battle.

Open Eyes