(((Open)))
Thank you so much for sharing this. It has touched me deeply. I am sorry you are in so much pain, I am sorry so many of us are in pain from these horrible experiences we have endured.
It is a struggle to look back on the past and wonder how things could have been different, or how we could have made things better despite our best efforts. The ways we have been hurt as well as thinking of the ways we have hurt others, even when that was never what was intended. It is also so scary and loney to think of the future..while in the midst of this.
I don't believe you can "just snap out of it". Please don't let anyone devalue your feelings in that way. Clearly they just DON'T get it. You can only try so hard until you reach a point where you need to accept they don't understand and nothing you say, show, or feel will or can make them. Accepting that concept is very hard and painfull. So you must somehow try to love, accept and forgive yourself.
I sometimes think that people who have endured great amounts of pain and loss in their lives can be their own worste enemy. We can hate and be angry with ouselves to such a point it is beyond detructive. It doesn't quite seem fair. But then again I guess life just isn't fair. Sometimes It's like "how did I become the bad guy, when all I've done is try to love and be loved and TRY TO SURVIVE"
I think it's really great you tried to communicate with your daughter about these issues. I hope that the lines of communication between you to will open and possibly create a new "relationship".
It's impossible to change the past, and very easy to look back in retrospect beating ourselves up and think how we could or should have done things differently.
I see strength and love in you. I hope you can see that to.
Try to go easy and love yourself.
Hugs,
Cotton