Well. I'd like the people that are interested to read this song by a favorite band of mine and then at the bottom I am going to post a few words about what I am feeling. I found out that swearing is frowned upon but noticed that it get's sensored anyway. But in any case I apologize for the swears in the song but they are meaningful and have a point being there. Actually I will edit it, I think I can subsitute.

Story Of A Lonely Guy - Blink 182

Push it out, fake a smile
avert disaster just in time
I need a drink, cause in a while
worthless answers from friends of mine
it's dumb to ask, cool to ignore
girls possess me but they're never mine
I made my entrance
avoided hazards
checked my engine I fell behind

Dada dada dada dada da
I fell behind
dada dada dada dada da

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
and when the storms gone I'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move cause I'm a fricken' boy

Remember when I was in
the grocery store, now's my time
lost the words, lost the nerve,
lost the girl, left the line
I would wish upon a star
but that star, it doesn't shine
so read my book, with a boring ending
a short story of a lonely guy

Dada dada dada dada da
who fell behind
dada dada dada dada da

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
and when the storms gone I'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move cause I'm a ****in' boy

Dada dada dada dada da
dada dada dada dada da

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
and when the storms gone I'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move cause I'm still
just a stupid, worthless boy

This song pretty much sums up my life as far as relationships and my feeling incredibly worthless and lonely. Apparently the majority of the people here seem to be quite a bit older than me and will most likely say "Oh yeah I've been there" or "Your still young and there is time. Things will work ou for you sooner or later". I don't think they will in all honesty because of a few reasons. Girls do not like depressed and very negative guys who would rather sit on their butts then go out and get a job. Also, even though many girls that I know say that they do not care about looks and that it's about 75% personality and 25% looks I believe it to be different from that and more like 90% looks and 10% personality. I admit that I am guilty of caring about looks (Not hardcore) but I know that it's hard to over come someone's looks and fall in love with them, which brings us to me. I see girls seeing me that way. That they may think I am a great guy at times but just are not attracted to me.

My favorite line from that song is "Girls posses me but they're never mine"

The story of my life is that I fall in love with unattainable girls. I myself am a non Christian but all my friends and the girls that I know are Christians as well. I fall in love with them full well knowing that even if they did feel strongly about me, nothing would ever become of it because they would only date a fellow Christian. I udnerstand why this is because they want to make God the center of their relationship and grow together spiritually (I grew up going to church). So why is it that I fall in love with them? I don't know but something tells me it's a part of my self destructive behavior and that by falling in love and having my heart smashed to pieces I am protecting myself? Or avoiding some kind of realization? I don't know what it is. This has happened to me twice and each time it has taken me about 8 months to 1 year to really get over them. Although. For some reason I still feel pain when I see them around and don't know what to do about it. I talked to my really smart philosophy friend about the possiblity of becoming invincible to emtional pain. He thinks the idea is great but really the closest that we are going to come to that is to prevent letting ourselves be hurt and putting up an emotional shield. I agreed even though I have no idea how to go about doing this.

I'd rather take a bullet in the leg than be hurt emotionally again because at least that would just be a flesh wound and would heal even though the pain would be excruciating. The pain from emotional pain just never seems to go away and seems like the never ending series of kicks to the groin (Sorry for the kind of gross anology). Anyway. I am done. I am sick of being alone. I need to find a girl.