Wow, ((((Cotton ball )))),

I think you are doing better in your efforts to work through PTSD. I think it is important to be able to say what you have just said. I say it a lot to others struggling through PTSD as you know. When we DO remind others like you are reminding me here, we remind ourselves too. It can be a challenge when we ourselves are trying to fight the battle and come to terms with what you are saying here to me.

What my daughter said to me last night was so very hard for me to hear. What she said was something I tried very hard for her never to have to say or feel. I honestly tried very hard for my problems and concerns not to be hers. As I think back I can see where she would have felt alone and confused many times. I supposed in my efforts to try not to put my struggles with her father along with my health issues and other challenges upon her, I suppose my angers and insecurites showed a lot more than I intended.

She agreed that her early childhood was safe, she felt loved and happy. But she said her worst years were her teens. And those years were very hard for me to hide how much of a toll my challenges where taking out of me. It was so hard for me to hide my anger about how my husband REALLY RUINED so much work I had done to try to raise our child right. Every time I saw her pain and fear and tears, I was SO angry about how much of a challenge it was for me to try to find a way to have that pain in her disappear and return to a much happier, secure child. Wow did I pound the pavement to keep her going in that horse world to distract her and keep her busy. Everyone accused me of spoiling her and doing more for her and not tending to my own needs. I just wanted to get her through to college and to HER future being as independant and strong and happy as much as I could.

Alcoholism, does destroy families, it destroys the efforts to try very hard to be a good parent and provide a good atmosphere for children and teens. And I knew that my daughter had a tendency to lean into that path herself because she was just like her father in many ways. All teens experiment with alcohol, and my teen was no exception and just like her father she would drink until she was totally incapacitated and took pride in her ability to hold a lot of alchohol. I did everything I could to get her to get her high and dopamine from riding, competing, learning and setting goals with her horses. She was so good at that and DID gain so much direction from it too. It was VERY HARD for me to keep up with that though. That world/sport/activity is so incredibly expensive and believe me, I was constantly working at my business to provide it for her.

My daughter DID tell me that had it NOT been for her being involved and busy with that horse world, she thinks she would have defiinitely turned to alcohol and partying. She told me that because her horse activities meant so much to her, she didn't want to do anything to compromise her learning and achievments in that horse world she had. So, I DID have it right, it DID work.

But when it just got ripped out from her, Oh God she was so happy that spring because all her hard work with her horse was paying off and she was on top of the game/competition. Seeing her in shock as it was just so unfairly ripped out from her BECAUSE OF NEGLIGENCE? That was the final straw for me, so much work and time and investment GONE, TAKEN.

I have to be honest, it truely made me question my faith. I sat outside a church MANY TIMES asking GOD WHY, WHY would I have to lose so much after all that I had tried to do in spite of what was set on my shoulders? And my daughter's shoulders as well? Someone along the way said to me, "It is the devil testing you, NOT GOD" and after thinking about it, I would have to say, that could be true. So, I continue to pray often and ask god for his help because the devil must really want MY soul as he is presenting many challenges upon me.

When all this happened and my daughter lost her horse, she did ask me why GOD would allow that to happen. I had to be strong and reply, God doesn't make things like this happen, but he is there to turn to to help you overcome it if you so ask him to. However, as she was asking this very question, I too was asking it in my own mind.

You are right Cotton ball, everything you are saying is right. Thank you for reminding me to stay strong and remember to take care of myself. And that you know how hard this journey is yourself. I am grateful we have each other for support and someone who does know the struggle that is truely hard to explain.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes