Thanks unhappyguy, I am still very affected by what she had to say. She said I made my choices and have to suffer the consequences. It hit me hard because my biggest choice was to do my best to raise her as best as I could. I just wasn't prepared for the challenges that were presented to me in my marriage as well as my health issues too. When she discribed me as being unpredictable, it brought me to many memories of how much I struggled with such unpredictablity in my life.

I have to remind myself where that statement is coming from and her age as well. I don't see how I could have done much better than I did given my circumstances. I know many people were amazed at how I was able to produce these horses for my daughter to ride and compete with. It is a very expensive sport. When I think about how much I spent, it is a wonder to me that I built up my business to be able to back her the way I did.

I just never expected to lose so much all at once the way I did. I sure had a lot of challenges in my life path, but I managed to keep getting up, dusting myself off and finding a path forward. I think everyone just kept expecting me to be able to do that, maybe I too expected that of myself. But I haven't been able to do that yet, this disorder has been very hard on me in more ways than I could have ever imagined.

Every time I was really ill, REALLY ILL, no one believed me. I think back on how much I suffered from that endometriosis FOR YEARS and kept telling the OBGYN and was told nothing could be done. But that was wrong I could have had lazor surgery like I had. And then when the Lupron side effect hit me full force, yes, I was treated but at that time the doctor didn't have to tell me, that side effect was only known by the doctors not public yet. But for YEARS I was so afraid that that horrible depression would return, if only I had known the REAL reason behind it, once again I had to find that out on my own, story of my life. That drug was bad news for me, the depression is presented was not just depression, I COULD NOT FUNCTION AT ALL. And my daughter talking about my break down, well that was NOT my fault. Yes, I am sure it scared her, it scared ME. But it WASN'T my FAULT. AND, I did work through it and continue to work hard and keep HER going in HER horseworld.

I was injured in a colonoscopy, they hit my speen and it was bleeding, NO ONE BELIEVED I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN AND WAS AFRAID TO DRIVE MYSELF TO THE ER.
When I got there my legs gave out from under me and my husband YELLED at me to get up and stop it. I am literally dieing in my bed, my body cavity full of toxins from a leaking appendix, and the emergency team yelled at me because when they put me on the board the pain was unreal. Seriously, I am lucky to be here.

And this PTSD I am suffering from, same thing. I honestly could not make THIS up in my wildest imaginagtion.

Honestly? I think I actually have a high tolerance for pain because by the time I got REAL bad, things were REAL BAD, so bad that it was obvious once I was opened up how much pain I SHOULD be having.

Just when she said that discription of up and down unpredictable? I think about all the challenges I had, especially in her teens and there WERE a lot of REAL difficult challenges. I just wonder if people don't see me as just a human being, I am not this rock of All knowing the answers deity.

Yes, I feel bad, because I REALLY TRIED VERY, VERY HARD TOO. I don't know why I feel like I failed the way I do. I have been crying all last night all today and maybe I just need to cry and grieve or something. Maybe I just have been holding too much in somehow. And maybe my daughter and husband just truely never understood the demands put on me and that I really did do my best BUT I WAS ALSO CONSTANTLY SCARED TOO.

Yes, we at least got to talk some. And the bottom line is that we are BOTH hurt. And I still don't know HOW to fix that, I havent really known that since everything was so distroyed five years ago this year.

Raising a child is such a challenge, and it is a challenge all your life. Children think you are supposed to have all the answers, but we DONT have all the answers. The only answer I could really truely give her is that all we can really do in life is KEEP TRYING. Yes, I may have been up and down because I was angry and tired and worn out in my TRYING to do my marriage and life and I had challenges I was not prepared for. I have suffered illnesses that all I could do is try to figure out what these illnesses were and then TRY TO MEND from them.

My husband keeps going back to my foundation being so poor from my troubled childhood, YES that is true, but he ADDED TO THAT. He says that I would have faired better had it not been for my childhood, BUT I WOULD HAVE FAIRED BETTER HAD HE NOT BEEN AN ALCOHOLIC AND CHEATED ON ME AS WELL.

I don't know, I have to give this more thought to be honest. I am not in any way discounting HER feelings, I am glad she told me, I really am. It just hurt because I know I really tried and I did talk to her a lot too.
I tried to explain things as best as I could and I ALWAYS told her how much I loved her and was so proud of her. I also told her that all I wanted for her was to be happy, even if that meant she wanted to be up to her knees in pig crap all day, I didn't care. I never wanted her to think she had to be something special or high and mighty for me.

Open Eyes