Life and therapy have kicked my butt for the past 5 months or so, so I'm sorry I haven't been around much at all. I've been in a situation I *never* could have imagined myself in, and it's been rough, to say the least.

But I saw T today and we agreed that we really are on the other side of it now. Finally!

These past few months have been a HUGE struggle for T too, and he pretty much lost his therapeutic stance and just became a person scrambling around trying to figure out how to fix what was going on, just like me. He pulled away, I pulled away, I tried to connect, there was no one to connect to because he was confused and exhausted. He opened up to connection and I pushed him away because I didn't understand where he had gone when I was trying to connect. There was anger, there was tears, there were sessions where we were both really SUPER open and honest...there was a lot less contact out of session and a lot more space between us.

Now that we're finding our way back to each other, we talked today about how our relationship has changed...because it HAS changed, kind of dramatically.

T said that he realized that we can't have a "perfect" relationship. That there can't be "perfect" attachment and perfect connection, no matter how hard he tries to give it to me. He said he realized his limitations. I said that my fantasy of being the favorite/most loved/etc was totally blown out of the water, and that it was unexpected and it made me sad. I cried when we talked about it.

We talked about what we brought with us through these 5 months to our "new" relationship, and I asked if we could make a list. On the things we still had, we listed trust, love, willingness, and a couple of other things. On the things we lost, we listed "perfect" relationship, and my fantasy of being "most loved". We listed some things we learned and we listed some questions about what comes next. He made copies for both of us.

We are going to have some kind of ceremony to honor the things we lost...we don't know what we're going to do yet, but T says we need to take time to grieve, and I think he's right.

I did learn something during all of this...that I need to figure out what I need from T and just be brave and ask for it. I used to send lots of e-mails because I wanted connection but didn't know how to get it. Now I call him and ask if he has a few minutes and he calls me back and we talked for between 10 and 25 minutes. It only happens once or twice a week, and it's what I NEED - probably what I needed all along - and it makes things easier for me AND for T...because I'm not spiraling out wishing I could have something I need but can't ask for directly, and T's not dealing with the anxious, spirally, unmet-need version of me. It feels risky, but it's so much better.

T said that he learned that he and I do better when we relax into connection. He said he always got panicky and tried so hard to make me believe in the connection...and I would get panicky and try so hard to find a way to believe in the connection..and it was too intense and difficult. Now we're working on relaxing into it. It's feels more gentle and trusting.

T is moving really slowly with me back towards connection. It's almost like we're starting a whole new relationship. But he gave me a big wrapped-up hug at the end of session today, and it felt familiar and good and safe

I think that our relationship will be more "real" now...we've really been through a lot in the past few months and there's no way we could come out of it unchanged. Even though it's painful, I hope that letting our fantasies go...his of the perfect relationship and mine of the most-loved client...will let us see the amazing thing that we have right here in REALITY.

I guess I wanted to share this to show that no matter how bad it gets, there's usually a way out if both people are willing to work hard...and that the therapy relationship can change, but still be good...maybe even be better.

Thanks for letting me share this when I've been so absent!
to my PC friends!