For those of you who don't know, I've been struggling with a decision about whether to continue with therapy for the past 4-6 weeks. I've been so entangled in conflicting feelings toward my T that it got to the point where it felt like therapy was doing more harm than good. I know that my responses to my T aren't rational; I get hung up on feeling as if she doesn't care, and struggling against what feel like poorly communicated shifts in boundaries that have resulted in my feeling as if my T is overwhelmed and pulling away from me.

I emailed her early last week, telling her I wanted to stop after our session, and then spent the entire session crying uncontrollably while trying to articulate how hurt and confused I was feeling. At the end of the session, I couldn't really speak coherently, and she told me she'd keep my session for this coming week on her calendar.

She also called my pdoc, without having told me about it first (she has a release, so it's not like she was breaking confidentiality, but I found it distressing that she didn't tell me about it beforehand) to tell pdoc that I was thinking about quitting therapy and was feeling suicidal. In the end, I know she was doing her due diligence, and I can appreciate that she was trying to make sure that I was going to be okay.

Fast forward to yesterday when I met with my pdoc for a regular med follow-up session. Pdoc told me that my T disclosed to her that I have a lot of strong feelings toward her (T, not pdoc). There was probably some other stuff in there too, but my pdoc seemed reluctant to talk about it, so I didn't ask.

My pdoc told me that I seemed to be intuiting that therapy is "dangerous" for me right now. I'm due to have a baby in a month, and my depression is definitely intensifying, I think in part due to all of the turmoil in therapy. I had horrible, horrible postpartum depression after my first daughter was born, and I definitely don't want to repeat that experience. Pdoc talked about how therapy seems to be pulling me toward FOO issues that are being enacted through my relationship with my T, and away from my family with my husband, daughter, and new baby.

I think she's right, and that I should probably at least take a break from T. She suggested investing in other kinds of support right now, like meeting with a doula. The thing is, I feel devastated about the idea of leaving my T. I very much wanted to have her support related to having this baby. But I feel like a terrible mother for turning away from my family in the way my pdoc described. FWIW, she talked about the risk in turning away from my family in the gentlest way possible.

I trust and respect my pdoc greatly. It feels like such a toss-up as to what would cause more distress - leaving my T or staying. Ultimately, I need to do what is best for my family and myself. I just don't know what that is.