What a wonderful summary of where your suicidal feelings are coming from......It's tough moving back in with your mother & her husband. I know that when I was suicidal & my pdoc wouldn't let me go back & live with my husband because of the problems we were having....living with my mother wasn't a great situation either even though it worked out ok.....I never had a good relationship with my mother in the first place, so tolerating the things I had always had problems with probably added to my suicidal feelings also. I would imagine that your mother is also less likely to kick you out while you are suicidal?

Yes, finishing school is important.....but many of the degrees we go to school for don't aim toward a good paying job in the end.....you say you are taking voice lessons....I was a music major....even got my AA in music......tourquoisesea has her BA in music with a major in cello.....I changed majors because I didn't want to teach & there were no other real jobs for music majors.....it's important to look into the future with a realistic goal at the end of what you are going to school for. Back in the 70's when I was in college, I decided to also learn a skill (data entry back in those days) in order to pay for my education in the first place.....but it helped me be independent. Maybe if you were to find a place to invest money on learning a skill so that your mother could see some real activity on your part to move forward, she might back down a bit on the cruelness & be more tolerant of your situation.

I think that the chapter 7 is a wonderful idea. It's important to get out from under the debt any way possible. Was it dumped on you from your divorce? I know that is one reason why I am only separated from my husband because of all the debt that is sitting in collection. He refused to file bankruptcy because there were more & more medical bills I kept piling up & he wanted them to stop before filing for bankruptcy. When I took my inheritance & left him & bought my farm....it also made bankruptcy impossible because I would have to sell my farm & use MY money to bale out the financial mess he made because he wouldn't even talk to the hospitals about them being able to drop many of the charges. I was in no condition to deal with it & he said they told him he couldn't represent me.....he blindly listened to them without realizing that I could sign over my permission for him to deal with them....he was the most useless person I could have even been married to. The debt has been sitting out there in collection for so many years, I'm sure it's gone by now or at least most of it.......but it sounds like since you don't have a house & not working....this would be a perfect time for you to deal with the bankruptcy.....at least talk with a bankruptcy lawyer & see what they have to say.

I think if you take some positive steps forward in your life....you will feel better about yourself & I'm sure your mother & her husband will have better feelings also. I know it's difficult having kids & wanting to spend your time with them so that they don't feel the stress of the situation....but there does come a time when the responsibility of the situation we are in has to be met in order to make changes happen. That saying...you can't do the same things over & over & over & expect different results.....we have to take the step toward making the necessary changes happen.

1) looking into the bankruptcy
2) looking into learning a skill that will bring in income as soon as the skill is learned so you have the money to go to school & focus on what you want to
3) looking into your education & make sure that what is out there at the end of all that work is really what you want, or think about changing to some other major that will provide what you need from all your college work & the degree.

It's obvious that what you are doing now isn't changing the suicidal feelings...but if you take positive steps toward changing your future.....it will change how you feel now in terms of your suicidal feelings. Doesn't mean there won't be frustrations & disappointments along the way....coping skills & DBT skills is a wonderful way to get through those difficult times.

Know you can do it.....just takes one step at a time & writing down what steps you need to be taking & follow them.

Wishing you a more positive future......I can definitely understand with all you say you are dealing with that those suicidal feelings make sense.....but they don't have to....once you take positive steps toward a more positive future....you will see that they will diminish, then all of a sudden they will be gone.