I've been reading posts from this site for a few weeks now, but didn't want to post as I can't talk about my feelings in person but when I started typing it just flowed out. I am 15 years old and female. I don't know how to organize this because my thoughts are mixed up and flying around my mind right now. And, I don't know where to begin... I'm sorry this is so long, it's my first post and I wanted to get everything. It took me a lot just to write this, and to post it will be hard idk If I will. Thinking of you reading this makes me so embarrassed and I know someone will reply all sweet and caring but I know inside we are all just corrupt and lies. :/
Ok. I hate living. Life to me is just being born, growing, work, marry, die. Every morning I wake up and mechanically get ready for school, all the while begging my mother to let me stay home because at school (although I have many kind friends) I always feel that I don't belong and the atmosphere really gets to me; like, I am scared of even being looked at by most people, and if they try to talk to me I just freak out and try not to look them in the eyes. In the afternoons, I am plagued by massive headaches from no sleep because during the nights, my dark thoughts swirl around and make me sick. On the bus, I'm tortured by the other high schoolers that ride it. The only person I can be happy-ish around is my little 12-year old sister. And the only place i'm happy is alone in my room in the dark. My parents are both mentally abusive in ways they don't understand but they are also loving, and I feel guilty for having suicidal thoughts because of that. My free time is spent in my room with the lights out because I hate the lights... I hate so much now. I hate myself; the way I look, the way I talk, the way I walk, I HATE everything! About a year ago, I started cutting myself. For SOME reason, my scars look like the most beautiful thing about me. And I feel like every time one heals I HAVE TO make another. When I'm feeling like I will die, I cut myself. But recently, the cuts have been getting DEEPER and DEEPER because it doesn't HURT enough anymore... And the world itself just seems not real. REALITY seems like a Nightmare and when I think of death it makes me happy like I could finally go to the real world and have happy adventures there. I can't escape the thoughts. And, I know I am my biggest bully. My self-esteem has to be the lowest of them all. I'm ugly, stupid, worthless, etc. I hate my face. Just looking into my eyes in the mirror makes me hate myself. A hate so strong it makes me hurt inside. I've had moments when I was cutting my arms when I would rub the blade against my cheeks wishing I could cut them but I know I cant because I wouldnt be able to hide it.
Also recently my mom found out about my cutting, since then it's gotten so much worse. She made me see a psychologist and it was the worst day of my life. My dad took my computer and threatened to beat my *****, and I heard him and my mom talking behind my back one night saying how weak and stupid and pitiful it was that I would cut myself. My dad was saying how he had been through so much and he hadnt been stupid and weak to cut himself like me. (That really made me realize how no one can be trusted.) It seems no one understands how I CAN NOT talk about anything. And when the dr. was staring at me waiting for my answers to his questions I felt like I'd explode and I wanted to run out of the room.The dr. tried to make me take Zoloft but I can't. Something about the medicine just freaks me out and IM SURE that if I took it I would just puke. I also know that if I tell him about my intentions that I'd be put in a psych ward and I can't handle that. I'm so scared of what I might do to myself, but I see no other way. The future for me just appears so horrible. And, it's this thing where I don't want help. I just want SOMETHING. But, I don't know what. Because I have no want to live anymore and that can't be replaced because I know now that life isn't what I expected it to be. I don't want to grow up and get a job or get married or anything most people want, I just want to stop existing and I DONT KNOW WHY!?! But when I think about killing myself, I can't seem to put a date on it. Maybe I'm scared or something. Idk.
Well, if you got this far, then you are a trooper! Thanks for reading, at least. x.x