I'm not sure why I tend to come and go from here. I think it is because sometimes I don't feel I have much to offer. Which is accurate no matter which way you look at it. Sometimes i am so depressed, I cannot empathize with anyone and spend most of my time trying to stay afloat (aka, going to memebase.com and lmao). Then there are the times I am feeling great, and I read posts on here and sometimes they bring me down or there are simply topics I know nothing about. I appreciate the support you all have given me and do try to give support when I am feeling good and actually have the 2 cents to offer.

This year has been difficult so far but many good things have also happened so far. I started the year out in a depression with my therapist not listening to me, skipping groups, and not participating in life. Come February, I was admitted for 2 weeks. I was started on an antidepressant, which I was thrilled about because thats what I had been voicing to my therapist for so long. I returned to life feeling okay. When I had my follow up with my psych, she doubled the antidepressant, telling me that we may also have to raise my mood stabilizer if I become manic. Luckily I have not. Luckily, I feel fan-freakin-tastic. And no, not in any type of manic way! It's wonderful. I finally dream again and actually believe that I can achieve goals!

I EVEN RE-APPLIED TO COLLEGE AND SIGNED UP FOR MY FIRST COURSE since this wonderful illness got its grip on me.

I'm excited again about life. I'm making plans, I'm thinking clearly. I'm using DBT skills for the normal life's ups and downs.

I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch though. Now that I have all this back, I'm terrified of losing it again. I'm terrified that the meds will just stop working or something bigger than me will trigger an episode, rendering all my skills and medications useless. Still, I'm forging on.

If I could have one thing, it would be for you all to know that stability IS possible, whether it is for a short time or not. I hope you all find it and cherish every moment of it when it comes. I hope someone reading this takes hope in knowing that there are so many people who have fought this war and have won many battles within it. Every day that you are alive, you won another battle.

and lots of

Abe